When there’re are more guest posts than me posts. August 31, 2007

Some of you, oh faithful readers, have commented that as of late, a particular Roaming Reporter has been writing more than I have.

My response to this is as follows:

1)  Of the past….oooooh…..10 posts, 5 are by me and 5 are by my Roaming Reporter. And the 5 I wrote - brilliance.  Sheer, unnerving genius. 

2)  I am the editor in chief.  You’re lucky I grace you with my mad skills at all. *minions*

3)  An integral part of DoL’s plan to take over the world is to extend our reach to other (slightly more valid*) publications.  This has resulted in my time being taken up for the following:

The Great Torontoist Challenge:  Frozen Edition

The Great Torontoist Challenge:  West End Burger Edition

The Great Torontoist Challenge:  Beer Fest Edition

The Great Torontoist Challenge: Kensington Savoury Snack Edition

*by valid I mean that they get more than 12 hits a day and, from what I can tell, actually pay their writers money.  I, on the other hand, pay my Roaming Reporter for his time with crass remarks about his genetic make-up and by tugging on his ear hair†.

† Image is in no way meant to represent DoL’s Roaming Reporter or his particular ear hair situation.

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: PRO SPORTS FRANCHISE OWNERSHIP August 29, 2007

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of his Wife’s Ability to Mock.

Being *that guy* and because I am not a fan of the guys who have made a night out to see the Leafs play the among the most expensive night out sports-wise in North America - you can still get seats v. Ottawa in the Air Canada Club at centre ice, for the low-low price of $795 each at Stub-Hub - I have latched onto the following with both hands:

www.myfootballclub.co.uk

Anyhow, the point is, you buy a share to join part of a trust, which in turn buys a lower-league pro soccer team in the UK, and the membership of the trust, well, run the team.  So instead of calling the FAN590 radio talk show and yammering on about firing the coach, you just suggest doing that (via the web-based tools) and if the majority agrees, well, then the coach is told to hit the bricks.  Success and happytimes ensue.

As a side note, this whole thing has resulted in a 37% increase of the amount of mocking I receive from my wife, so that’s not ideal for those who cry a lot or who have perilous self-esteem as you will get calls from my wife of a derogatory nature.

The lesson is, if you are interested in a fan-owned sports team, go have a look.  Otherwise, enjoy life and eat more ice cream and dream of having $1600 for a pair of top-notch seats at the ACC.

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: POLICE BRUTALITY August 27, 2007

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Making Sure You Understand

Saturday night, post-TFC (hey hey heeeeey… Eduuuu…), I was lucky enough to witness the following:

1. Man runs past me, wearing a backpack, relatively slow pace (call it a brisk jog)

2. Five seconds behind him, a policewoman, brandishing a nightstick, runs past, clearly chasing the man, at a relatively slow pace (a slightly brisker jog).

3. The policewoman yells “Stop running, or I will beat you!” adding after a breath “Do you understand?”. 

Now, that on its own, I deem to be both remarkable and hilarious.  The man was making a run for High Park and the relative safety of the best darn zoo in the West end. 

Much to my delight, things got even better . 

4. Three additional policemen, roughly ten seconds after the threat was yelled, go running past; they are running a bit quicker, but with serious respiratory issues, were kinda wheezing.  They offered no additional threats. 

Transfixed, my companions and I watched the chase, the slowest-motion chase I have ever seen.  The tailing pack of three (the “Wheezers”) stopped running, with one guy giving a dejected wave of the arm.  “Meh” he seemed to say. 

The policewoman, having closed the gap, takes a swing at the guy’s leg, only just nicking him, unwittingly spurring him into greater speed and to change direction.  In my view, this was a poor choice; he was headed now towards Bloor West Village and its relative lack of darkened hiding places. 

5. Two (count ‘em… two) police cruisers go flying past, at a robust rate of speed, lights blinking away and sirens bleating as they went to - I assume - go pick up the Wheezers and give them a ride to the comfy naproom couches at 11 Division Headquarters. 

The moral of the story? Our police need to have longer nightsticks and better callisthenics training.  Oh, and if you steal something, be prepared for a beating, because it’s apparently coming and you shall be warned well in advance verbally and probably by fax.

Falsi-Lexi of the Day - “Balsamegar” August 21, 2007

Balsamegar (n.) - a sweetish, aromatic vinegar made from white grapes and aged in wood barrels.  Used exclusively on panini-style pulled-pork sandwiches, balsamegar is a rare and notoriusly shy breed, and has so far only been spotted in a small enclave off Royal York Rd.

Example: “With just a hint of balsamegar, it was inevtable that Adam would win the sandwich portion of our contest.”

Balsamegar, due to its rarity, has never been photographed.  The editor feels that the above photograph is an appropriate substitute.

Investigative Report Guest Post: Dickheads on the Bus August 13, 2007

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Supernaturally Gifted Animals Everywhere

Recently, I had the dubious honour of riding for approximately 8 minutes on one of the TTC’s “poorly performing” bus lines, the clearly un-venerable 26 Dupont to St. George.  Luckily, my malaise of being associated with a loser bus route was usurped by my internal rage at a lady who deemed it necessary to harass a woman and her dog.

“Oh!” I hear you say, “but dogs are not allowed on the bus, what kind of magic fairly-land bus were you riding upon, you lying liar of lies and ill-truths!”.  Well, let me tell you before you pull that trigger.  This was no ordinary dog.  It was a kind of *super* dog.

In fact, it was a deaf woman with her trusty helper-dog.  Now, don’t get me started about the whole merits of a dog that “hears” for you, I am a big fan of both dogs and the deaf, so I’ll say that I am a bigger proponent of helper-monkeys rather than dogs, we’ll leave it at that.  Regardless, this deaf lady gets on the bus with her dog, sits down, and about three minutes later, this lady goes up to the deaf woman the following exchange ensues (I swear to Jeebus, verbatim*):

- lady: “Oh hi, your dog is so beautiful, may I pet him”
- deaf lady: [nods]
- lady: [pets dog]
- dog: [wags tail]
- lady: [smirks self-satisfyingly]
- me: [shakes head, averts eyes]
- lady: “So, why do you have this dog, anyhow?”
- me: [jerks in seat]
- deaf lady: “Because I’m deaf”
- lady: [pauses a beat] “SO… WHAT… DOES… THE… DOG… DO… FOR… YOU”
- deaf lady: [pulls 'stop request' cord]
- bus: BING

No, before you say “well, jackass, how was this lady to know she was deaf?”, I will cut you off and suggest that the twin mega-mondo hearing aids were giveaway #1, as well as the fact that the deaf woman was making eye contact and looking around and clearly was not of the no-see-ums (aka blind) persuasion.  Gosh.  You’re so simple sometimes.  Regardless, I find it rather lame to basically ask a stranger, in a public place, “So, I see that you’re disabled.  What variety of disability have you got… is it painful and crippling?  I sure hope so!”

The lesson - as this has so far been pretty much a beratement, rather than an investigation, per se - is that people on busses should shut their yappers and listen to “Learn to Speak Italian” or something by Choclair on their iPods rather than pestering people.   Oh and dogs are marvelous creatures though they are inferior to monkeys in many respects including dexterity with feet.

* - not verbatim, but dang close
Note: big ups to CostumeCraze.com for the picture and the severe case of the heebiejeebies

Aminal Of The Day: The Newt August 13, 2007

Newt: a small, usually bright-colored semi-aquatic salamander of North America, Europe and Asia, distinguished from other salamanders by the lack of rib or costal grooves along the sides of the body. Not to be confused with the equally well know, though less amphibious, Newt Gingrich.

Things to consider about the Newt:

1) Newts have the ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, spinal cords, hearts, intestines, and upper and lower jaws. N.B. They can only regenerate their own body parts, not yours.

2) In Monty Python and the Holy Grail a peasant claims that a suspected witch turned him into a newt, although admits that he “got better”. Newts everywhere took exception to this, the implication being that newtness is a form of illness.

3) The photo above is in fact an example of Notophthalmus viridescens.  He just enjoys shouting Triturus vulgaris at random intervals throughout his day; it keeps him level-headed and clear of mind.

Investigative Report Guest Post: Historic Autograph Books August 3, 2007

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Capsulated forms of History.

Big ups to D’Andy for digging up the 1988-89 time capsule slightly ahead of schedule and for no apparent reason beyond deeming our youth to be hilarious.  In lieu of a Looney Tunes singing frog type escapade, this look back at a simpler time has yielded the following revelations (see the photos below):

1. I had absolutely fantastic handwriting and styles back in the day
2. Swearing came just as easy at age 12 as it does now at age 30
3. Tealy blue is my colour - that’s right, drink it in

 

The key thing to take away is that it is probably unwise to be photographed at all between the ages of 6 and 19.  And everything you ever write, well, it’s going to be kept.  This also goes for audio such as ridiculous Hillcrest PS Touring Band tapes and “urbanized” voice tracks on mix CDs.  Beware!