Investigative Report Guest Post: BASKETBALL NO LONGER FOR GIGANTIC WUSSIES January 28, 2008

– Fairy-Princess Union Leaders Express Dismay, Outrage and Love for Ponies –

By Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Jujubes.

In days of yore, basketball - or Duck on a Rock as my abuse-loving forebears liked to call it - was a sport played by gentlemen and gentlewomen, with an oblong ball and using leisurely-type rules that were more akin to 9-a-side peach picking than to the basketball that has recently been popularized by such 8-foot-tall gastropods as certain un-named muscle-tension-heat-pad-magnates whose names rhyme with Schnakeel O’Real.

Why is this important, you ask?  Just simmer down, lest I call you a demeaning name such as “gastropod”.  Also, please note that I will cease and decist with the faux old-timey writing which, to be frank, is more awkward than funny.

Well, for the first time in two years (ish), I laced up my And1’s and hit the courts in the Milton Basketball League, located in scenic Milton.  Those expecting a funny non-Milton location such as Malton or Halton, shame on you.  Anyhow, my status this morning can best be described as “Tuckered Out — Level 3″.  This obviously has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a) older and b) flabbier, nor with the fact that our team had 1 spare, in contrast to our opponents who had 6 spares.  The whole issue is that basketball as I know - or rather knew - it, has changed.  Long gone are the days that I could tiptoe around munching on jujubes, uttering witty remarks and winning championships handily*. 

The lesson for us all?  Beware anyone proclaiming recreational sports endeavours as being “just for fun” - these people will club you over the head and steal your jujubes and dose you heavily with Lactic Acid.

*Number of “championships” won over past 13 years: 2, all of the recreational level, consolation variety.  *DYNASTY*

Investigative Report Guest Post: HUMANITY DOOMED? January 25, 2008

– Study shows: no. –

By Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Yogurt Dormancy

Yesterday was the scene of some serious trauma on Gooch Avenue.

> SCENE OPENS: 6.50am, darkness!

- black work bag containing: wallet, iPod, cellphone, my lunch - placed on roof of black car
- Jeffxa runs to slanty shanty, obtains recycling bins and compost bin, drags to curb
- Jeffxa runs into car (wow, it’s cold, brrr, better hurry and get that car heater going), closes door
- Jeffxa drives to work.

> SCENE CLOSES… fade to black as man sobs upon realizing that his bag is gone  *melodrama*

Note that at no time was the bag removed from said roof of car.  It was lost to locations unknown, maybe my neighbour snagged it if it fell off in the driveway.  Mother-in-law checker could not find it as of 8.00 that morning, alas.  Regardless, for the time being, I was in the market for:

- new work bag
- new cellphone
- new ipod
- new wallet including the following contents: pristine $20 bill, driver’s license, health card, 2 credit cards, 2 bank cards, insurance cards, hertz gold club card, aeroplan card, mec card, java joe’s card with THREE freebies saved up (that’s the most bitter pill of all), emergency subway token, and roughly 200 restaurant receipts that I will never check but continue to accrue for some reason. 

The lesson at the time: don’t carry a wallet.  Staple all important cards and information directly to your torso.

>SCENE OPENS: 5.30pm, darkness! (lousy winter)

- Jeffxa hears via wifely-type-person: BAG HAS BEEN FOUND BY PERSON WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!
- Jeffxa drives to said person’s house, re-procures bag, with all contents in pristine condition*

Anyhow, the point is, I got my bag back, with goods intact, after an amazing act of careless idiocy.  The moral: humanity is in good hands.  The hands of this philipino lady who lives at Jane & St. Marks.  Judos to you, nice lady!

* note that my lunch yogurt had exploded when I probably drove over the bag, but it was contained by the amazing strength of MY SUBCONSCIOUS WILL FROM AFAR to not leak.

Investigative Report - Not All Canned Drinks Sweet January 17, 2008

Today at the techinal bean-counting consortium we celebrated a milestone of some profundity for a colleague.  This fête of sorts included cupcakes. Which the DoL, as  a whole, really enjoys.

Post-cupcake, it was decided that perhaps a brisk walk followed by a healthy lunch would be in order, so I skipped on over to my local japo-express foodspot and got myself maki and some of those glass noodle things.  Most importantly I also procured for myself one can of Ito En Japanese Green Tea:

I knew it wasn’t going to fuzzy, but it wasn’t sweet at all!  It was just a can of cold green tea.  This was not what was expected. I was really taken aback. My tongue did a weird bendy, un-happy thing.

Because I like to tell people things, I conveyed my befuddlement at Ito En’s non-sucrosity to Jeffxa, Roaming Reporter, who then, in some sort of attempt to prove that my consternation was ill-placed, listed two non-sweet canned goods.  I rebut:

1) chipotles in adobe sauce? not a drink.  find it for me in drink form and we’ll talk again.
2) clamato? obviously would not be sweeted as it is NEVER sweet to drink veggies.

TEA on the other hand?  many times—oft even—it is sweet.

Anyway, I’m over it now.

 *look away*

Investigative Report Guest Post: BATTLE POISSON January 16, 2008

–Part of an ongoing series of exhibitions where Jeffxa outwits the universe–

As part of the ongoing deliciousness that is my Gentlemen’s Gourmet Group (no, we’re not gay, though we do sound it), it was determined by the Gourmet Powers-that-be that “FISH” was to be the theme for the most recent installment.  We meet once every few months or so, and so there was ample time to prepare whatever course I signed up to bring.  Those that know me (or of me) are aware that I have a pretty gigantic (and totally unwarranted) ego and armed with this hubrisness, I volunteered for the dessert course.

“Fish dessert” you say?  “Yes, Commander No-Read” I reply. 

Fish dessert..  el Hombre, bring him to me*.

Anyhow, the following items were brainstormed and deemed entire unsuitable by our judging panel consisting of me:
1. A cake, or something “normal” cut into the shape of a fish or fishES - this is the solution of persons deemed to be “weiners”
2. Use of fish eggs, which lost out due to a) gross! and b) too ‘fishy’ tasting/smelling; there’s a happy medium we’re looking for here
3. Smoked fish - no, mega-fishy and texturally bizarre
4. Candied fish, see item 2(a)
5. Squid inkage, this is a good idea except it’s not from a FISH per se and thus would disqualify me from winning the non-prize

The best suggestion and really, the only one worth my considerable talents:  raw!  Raw tuna is the wave of the future.

Execution of this was done with the following foodstuffs:
- lemons: everyone likes tuna with lemon
- cream: everyone likes tuna riding cows
- basil: those Thai people know how to unleash the healing power of the basil, and the word “Thai” is similar to “Tuna”.
- crispy pastry: everyone loves things that are golden brown and flaky.**
- tuna: you can’t spell “tuna” without t-u-n-a.  Tuna!  The red sushi kind, not the canned 49-cent kind.

Having procured the foodstuffs, a schematic was prepared to see how this might work.

The end result: DELICIOUS***.  More information is pretty much not required.  You should all just realize that I’m amazing and even undertaking such a venture pretty much demands your unflinching loyalty.

* If you get this Pee-Wee’s Playhouse reference, mad judos to you.
** It was also considered to stuff the tuna into a pre-made Vachon’s Passion Flake lunchtime snack cake, this was deemed too easy and thus not keeping with the ’spirit’ of the non-contest.
*** It was in fact pretty tasty and if the cream had had a smidge more sugar, it would have carried the non-day.

Animal of the Day: The Badger January 11, 2008

If you ever wondered if the Empire was dead, you need to look no further than our friend, the badger (Meles meles).

As per Wikipedia, the British are a cunning bunch.  Bad teeth and frosty dispositions aside, Brits are all wiles, and will continue in their path to claim further territories in the name of their be-hatted Queen.  As per the following:

“British forces were said to have released man-eating badgers in the vicinity of Basra, Iraq following the 2003 coalition invasion. This allegation has been denied by the British, and local scientists agree that the animals, Ratels, also known as Honey Badgers, are native to the area.”

Oh right.  And they just happen to be decked out in union jack themed bowlers? Unlikely.

 

CAPITAL!

UPDATE - Investigative Reports: Work-based Hot Sauce = Elusive! January 11, 2008

NEWSFLASH!

It didn’t take long, friends - we’ve found our winner.  DoL’s favourite and most insightful commentator has provided us with not only the first (and admittedly only) cube contents submitted, but also the best.  Hot sauce?  check. LOLcat? check. Random portraiture? check.

The part that really tickles our turtle? This is not mass marketed Loblaw’s purchased, half-way there kind of sauce.  This is Pappy’s.  And when hear the word Pappy, only one thing comes to mind (and you’ll have to agree, it just feels right):

Website of the Week - Cheddar TV January 10, 2008

no really.  this is cheese TV.  now i love me some cheese, but this is just mad.

http://cheddarvision.tv/

big ups to my mustachioed colleague for the tip off.

Investigative Reports: Work-based Hot Sauce = Elusive! January 10, 2008

The other day, myself (the editor of the DoL) and Jeffxa (the Roaming Reporter) were comparing lunch time sustenance choices via electronic messenger pigeon.  It was noted that my sub, the Sante Fe, had a low spice quotient, which was causing me some vexation. Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, upon hearing of vexed state, suggested I use the hot sauce I keep at my desk. A good and fair suggestion, you might say. Howevever when I looked at my desk I noted a distinct LACK of Frank’s goodness.  Instead, I was able to inventorize the following:

 

Wasabi peas are “spicy,” but it wasn’t really what I was going for.  My inventorization did, however, provide me with a sense of satisfaction at the other contents of my cube and I did not hestitate to convey this to Jeffxa, all the while indicating to him that since he had no Frank’s in his cube either, that he really shouldn’t suggest it or act as though I should have said sauciness. Especially when I have so much other great stuff.

Jeffxa has rebutted with his own cube contents:

So, while I understand that a series of framed stolen souls add spice to life, they really aren’t going to make my Sante Fe sub any more piquanté.

That being said, who do you think should be the winner of the cube wars? Hell.  Send us your own cube war submission.  If you have hot sauce we’ll even give you a prize. And by prize we mean we’ll just come over and steal it. *spicy*

DoL New Year’s Resolutions Investigative Report January 4, 2008

Apparently most new year’s resolutions don’t last past January 8th. The DoL wonders if this is true. Our resolution last year was to give up the ciggies and we’re pretty sure we made it at least until..no wait..January 8th would be pretty generous.  The question then remains—are there resolutions that can be kept?

Celebrities like to make their resolutions known to everyone, due to the gravity of their resolutions and the great example they provide us plebs.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Paris Hilton apparently has resolved to “maybe” finding a nice boyfriend. Now that’s right up my alley! If I put “maybe” into my resolution, then..well…I can’t really fail, can I?

DoL resolution number one:

Maybe find a nice* boyfriend.†

Heidi Montag of the Hills has resolved that she is “going to try as hard as possible even when people don’t deserve kindness…I am still going to give them kindness!” Okay, I’m noticing a trend here.  Heidi will try to not be a bitch to people who may or may not deserve bitchiness.  She may still end up telling everyone that you have bovine-style “mud guards” as it were , but she’ll try not to. *Ace*

DoL resolution number two:

Try really hard‡ to not defenestrate the guy at work who closely resembles Wormtail and is always playing with the change in his pocket.

Finally Amy Winehouse.  *Sigh* She has resolved to not die this year. I think that’s a really valid resolution and one that I can get on board with.  To be honest, I think I have a head start on her with this one. ‘Cause I don’t look dead either.  And my teeth are all present and accounted for. Oh, and I’m not Amy Winehouse.

DoL resolution number three:

Don’t die.

I also resolve to love me for me, save my money, eat more edamame, drink more white tea and less white wine and stop being so anal retentive. It’s the 4th today, right?

* And if I maybe fail, maybe not care so much and instead go shoe shopping or consume an entire ball of that buffalo milk mozzarella they have at the cheese boutique that costs like 11 dollars, but you just don’t care ’cause holy shit that stuff is divinity foodified. To be honest, to count as truly nice, said boyfriend should really A) take me shoe shopping and then B) reward said shopping with said ball of mozza.

† Resolution does not apply to Roaming Reporter Jeffxa or Moxie from the Canine Desk.

‡ Thankfully the windows at my office don’t open. *squint*