Winter Storm hits Toronto: Danger Most Imminent for Smokers at My Work* February 1, 2008

* granted the current tally is zero.  updates expected though!

Investigative Report - Not All Canned Drinks Sweet January 17, 2008

Today at the techinal bean-counting consortium we celebrated a milestone of some profundity for a colleague.  This fête of sorts included cupcakes. Which the DoL, as  a whole, really enjoys.

Post-cupcake, it was decided that perhaps a brisk walk followed by a healthy lunch would be in order, so I skipped on over to my local japo-express foodspot and got myself maki and some of those glass noodle things.  Most importantly I also procured for myself one can of Ito En Japanese Green Tea:

I knew it wasn’t going to fuzzy, but it wasn’t sweet at all!  It was just a can of cold green tea.  This was not what was expected. I was really taken aback. My tongue did a weird bendy, un-happy thing.

Because I like to tell people things, I conveyed my befuddlement at Ito En’s non-sucrosity to Jeffxa, Roaming Reporter, who then, in some sort of attempt to prove that my consternation was ill-placed, listed two non-sweet canned goods.  I rebut:

1) chipotles in adobe sauce? not a drink.  find it for me in drink form and we’ll talk again.
2) clamato? obviously would not be sweeted as it is NEVER sweet to drink veggies.

TEA on the other hand?  many times—oft even—it is sweet.

Anyway, I’m over it now.

 *look away*

Investigative Reports: Work-based Hot Sauce = Elusive! January 10, 2008

The other day, myself (the editor of the DoL) and Jeffxa (the Roaming Reporter) were comparing lunch time sustenance choices via electronic messenger pigeon.  It was noted that my sub, the Sante Fe, had a low spice quotient, which was causing me some vexation. Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, upon hearing of vexed state, suggested I use the hot sauce I keep at my desk. A good and fair suggestion, you might say. Howevever when I looked at my desk I noted a distinct LACK of Frank’s goodness.  Instead, I was able to inventorize the following:

 

Wasabi peas are “spicy,” but it wasn’t really what I was going for.  My inventorization did, however, provide me with a sense of satisfaction at the other contents of my cube and I did not hestitate to convey this to Jeffxa, all the while indicating to him that since he had no Frank’s in his cube either, that he really shouldn’t suggest it or act as though I should have said sauciness. Especially when I have so much other great stuff.

Jeffxa has rebutted with his own cube contents:

So, while I understand that a series of framed stolen souls add spice to life, they really aren’t going to make my Sante Fe sub any more piquanté.

That being said, who do you think should be the winner of the cube wars? Hell.  Send us your own cube war submission.  If you have hot sauce we’ll even give you a prize. And by prize we mean we’ll just come over and steal it. *spicy*

Fun Slang Adjectives For You and Your Friends! December 6, 2007

I don’t know about you, but sometimes calling things “cool”, “neat” and “of the latest fashion” gets a bit tedious.  Why not add some sparkle to your conversations?

You’ll have your friends giving you high fives with these New and Improved* Slang Adjectives* compiled by our fearless Roaming Reporter, Jeffxa, Defender of Allegory:

- choice
- tubular
- ayatollah of rock ‘n rolla
- fine & dandy like sour candy
- mint
- top of the notch
- capital

 

*Slang list is not fully new, nor for that matter improved. It’s just compiled. And we think that’s work enough.

six things i currently love (part 2) November 13, 2007

’cause you’ve been sitting at home in front of your ordinateur, hands clasped together, bated breath…

1)  My shoots.  Other people call them booties, but that just makes them sound like they’re for children.  And my shoots are way too major for any baby.*

2)  My dog’s (Moxie Moo Trouser-pants) winter wardrobe: One camouflage Puppia harness. One green fisherman’s sweater.  One blue and green sock for his head.

3)  Tall man’s complex.†

4)  Iron-on patches for the inside of your jeans.  ‘Cause it’s better than paying $170 for a new pair.

5)  The fact that the Duotang of Lies has the reading level assignation of “Junior High School” according to this site.  Seriously.  You knew what ‘assignation’ meant in grade 8?

6)  Okay, I may only really love 5 things at this exact moment.  It’s in a constant state of flux, really.

* The DoL would like to apologize for using the word ‘major.’  We’ve been reading copious amounts on Posh lately and well…it was bound to happen.
† Which isn’t a complex at all.  *ironic*

Patsy 101 - A DoL How-to November 7, 2007

+

You’ll want to firmly secure the cape on the goat.  You don’t have to use red velvet with a lightning insignia for this to be effective, either.  A big “S” is one idea…it really depends on your work environment and the temperament of your goat. Good luck.

The arbitrariness of cookbooks and our planned retaliation. September 24, 2007

Just yesterday, myself, my roaming reporter, our new canine fact-finder and members of our family spent the day together.  During this day, being yesterday, Jeff and his wife, Alicia, decided to make a vegetarian mushroom & nut paté.  

Upon completion we realised the following:

a)  needs way less nuts;

b)   the recipe lists a serving size that is ludicrous (i.e. serves 4 - 6).

Our plan is as follows:

a)  half the nuts.

b)  write our own damn cookbook where when a recipe lists the possibility of serving 4 to 6 with a certain recipe, it also indicates 4 to 6 what.

Allow me to explain.  This paté, as per above, fit an entire loaf pan with some to spare.  There was, to put it mildly, a lot of the stuff.  After initial joking has been completed:  “Four to six?  As a main?  Who eats this much paté?”, Jeff mentioned that perhaps the cookbook meant that it would feed four to six famine-suffering hobos.  They are usually a hungry bunch, and this made more sense.  You can most likely imagine how this then went.  You could have a risotto that serves 16 to 20 caterpillars.  A pavolva that serves one donkey.  We could even make up our own temperature scale—the reitasamgrade:

“Roast your bison for 20 minutes at -47 reitasamgrade, or until done.”

But wait  (you say)!  This has become vraiment compliqué! Not so.  The DoL cookbook would not only include fun recipes for the busy person, but a comprehensive conversion chart so that in the event that you wanted to make the pavlova for the caterpillars instead of a donkey, you would know if you needed to double or half the recipe. *convenience*

When there’re are more guest posts than me posts. August 31, 2007

Some of you, oh faithful readers, have commented that as of late, a particular Roaming Reporter has been writing more than I have.

My response to this is as follows:

1)  Of the past….oooooh…..10 posts, 5 are by me and 5 are by my Roaming Reporter. And the 5 I wrote - brilliance.  Sheer, unnerving genius. 

2)  I am the editor in chief.  You’re lucky I grace you with my mad skills at all. *minions*

3)  An integral part of DoL’s plan to take over the world is to extend our reach to other (slightly more valid*) publications.  This has resulted in my time being taken up for the following:

The Great Torontoist Challenge:  Frozen Edition

The Great Torontoist Challenge:  West End Burger Edition

The Great Torontoist Challenge:  Beer Fest Edition

The Great Torontoist Challenge: Kensington Savoury Snack Edition

*by valid I mean that they get more than 12 hits a day and, from what I can tell, actually pay their writers money.  I, on the other hand, pay my Roaming Reporter for his time with crass remarks about his genetic make-up and by tugging on his ear hair†.

† Image is in no way meant to represent DoL’s Roaming Reporter or his particular ear hair situation.

Monday Night Commercial Assessment July 31, 2007

Every Monday, El and I like to get together and watch the patient and benevolent Gordon Ramsay tear people new poopshoots on Hell’s Kitchen.

If you haven’t watched Hell’s Kitchen, well, the season finale is on next Monday on CityTV.  Which leads me to the real point of this.  CityTV, I have noticed over the years, likes to play the same 3 or 4 commercials during each time slot. Week after week of Hell’s Kitchen and El and I have become all too familiar with them. Familiar to the point of analysing them.  Familiar to the point that we thought a post should actually exist. Sad.

1) Roger’s Wireless starring the weird all-pupils-no-irises guy and the super hot blonde guy in a tan suit. I wasn’t able to find a still from this particular ad.  Basically the freaky all-pupils-no-iris guy has issues with his phone coverage and super hot blonde guy in a tan suit has no problems at all.  What should be noted here is the following:  (A) Good looking people make wiser decisions when it comes to their cellular provider.  (B) The way to prove you have good coverage is to put on a tan suit and go on some sort of transport device (i.e. escalator or elevator).  (C) Just because super hot blonde guy in a tan suit is super hot and in a commerical for cell phones doesn’t mean that he wants to call you.  *triste*

2)  Swiss Chalet’s family reunion rained in - we can’t possibly bring the food we’ve prepared indoors and must therefore go have rotisserie chicken. Our concerns with this ad are numerous: (A)  We undertand how rain can “dampen” an outdoor family reunion, but do you people live outside?  Don’t you at least live in some sort of dwelling, into which you can bring the food and then eat it? Are they mutually exclusive ideas - family reuinions (at least dwelling-based ones) and rain? (B) Now relocated to Swiss Chalet, the family is super happy and feels compensated for their 4 hour drive.  The bestest part?  Little 8 year old girl gets to have tomato and cucumber salad!  OH BOY!  *huge maniac eyes* This is ludicrous.  First, basically no normal kid likes that, and second, even if they do, it isn’t some fantastic treat, some elvin-forged super delicacy that Swiss Chalet has exclusively made available.  It’s two basic vegetables commonly found in North America.  Seriously.  I think there’s wild cucumber growing in the ditch near my apartment.

3) CityTV weather guy (Harold’s “replacement”) Can’t See It Can’t Track It spot. Okay, granted, this is CityTV we’re watching, but I’m a little bitter at the absence of Harold Hussein, and this “new guy” really gets my goat. What’s more, I beg to differ - I can’t actually see my UPS parcel, but if I go to UPS.ca and put in my tracking code it does tell me where it’s at.  Non-visual tracking - a viable possibilty in this, the Information Age.

4) KY massage oil on a yacht - everyone’s favourite weekend activity. This is a strange one.  Not sure what they think the demographic is watching Hell’s Kitchen, but apparently it must include sun-soaked nubile women who enjoy a good frolic on their yacht. As El always says, there’s nothing she enjoys more than prancing around on her yacht, being chased by her beau, who upon catching her, gives her a massage.  *mirth*

six things i currently love. July 19, 2007

’cause you’ve been sitting at home in front of your ordinateur, hands clasped together, bated breath…

1)  All things Zimbish*.

2) Hot air balloons piloted by mustachioed men wearing era-specific headgear; à la “bowler balloon” movement of the early 20th century.

3)  Rompers. Playsuits.  Call them what you will - I’m a fan.

4)  Accidental and unexpected USE OF CAPSLOCK IN EMAILS THAT CAUSES UNDUE emphasis.

5)  Pockets in places that pockets wouldn’t normally be, like a dress.  Seriously - “Oh, I don’t know about that orange chiffon one…wait a tick…Oooooooooooooooooooooooh!  It has pockets!  Yeah, totally get it.” *knowing nod*

6)  Relatively outdated British exclamatories, i.e. “capital!”; “tops!”; “just not cricket!”.

*  see ‘falsi-lexi of the day’ dated July 6th, 2007