INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: TORONTO’S POLICE CLAIM LORDSHIP OVER QUEEN STREET April 24, 2008

– In other news: Audis are driven by total losers –

Coming home from dinner last night, I witnessed what had to be the single-greatest thing in the history of the universe: an Audi A6 pulled over on Queen St. in front of Trinity Bellwoods, waiting patiently for his ticket.  The ticket was of course, being written up by one of Toronto’s finest*, who of course was sitting on his trusty police horse.

HORSE.

A guy in an A6 allowed himself to be pulled over by a policeman on a horse.  How does that work and how could you ever explain that to your friends? That is absolutely awesome and clearly the whole SuperHorse program in play down at City Hall is paying dividends.  Go team.  Frankly, I feel safer.

* I also assign this title to: Toronto EMS, Toronto Firefighters, and DQ Blizzard servers. Note: big ups to Toronto Police Services for the photo.

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: THE WORLD IS FULL OF RETARDS April 18, 2008

Mugabe Confounds Onlookers:”Down with the British! Down with Jeffxa and his GuestiePosties”

People.  If you have ever wondered if there was something wrong with the world, well, you’re officially right.  Despite my extensive training* and Objectivist leanings, I have come to despise the Dow Jones and all those who invest there (i.e. everyone).

 

From the news I was perusing this morning - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7354266.stm - here are some facts:
- Citigroup just announced a loss of $5,110,000,000.00 (+/-)
- Investors responded by… buying their stock and sending it up: “Citigroup shares rose 6% to $25.46 in pre-market trading before the official Wall Street open”

 

Allow me to assure everyone, if I managed to bungle a project to the tune of the entire annual economic output of the Republic of Guinea, I would probably NOT be given a raise of 6%.  In other news, Guinea’s main exports include Bauxite… and corn… which indians refer to as “maize”.  Another famous indian was Crazy Horse.  In conclusion, Guinea is a nation of contrasts**.

 

* note: I know that stocks are valued looking forward, so don’t be that smug jackass who tries to make that point
** bigups: BBC and Wikipedia

Snappy Responses to Mildly Dull-Witted Statements - Part One February 11, 2008

Mildly Dull-Witted Statement: 

“The good thing about my street is that it’s a quiet little side street, but it’s real easy to find on mapquest.”

Snappy Responses:

“Much better than those tricky moving streets that are just impossible to nail down!”

“I’m still trying to figure out how a) quiet and b) ease of finding are normally not associated.  my last place at the centre of a labyrinth was super quiet, except for the sound of spartan heroes battling my pet minotaur.”

“Ohhh… see, the mythical labyrinths are the worst for trying to find on mapquest. I’m pretty sure Davie Bowie set some kind of enchantment on mapquest. “

*SNAP*

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST FOLLOW-UP: FOOTBALL CLUB OWNERSHIP! February 2, 2008

Peeps.  My wife is hungover and sleeping in, so I have time to brew up a rare and unusual WEEKEND post.  Huzzah!

A while back, I extolled the virtues of MyFootballClub, which was - at the time - an embryonic idea to actually go out and buy a football club in England and basically run the thing.  Well, the Club has been bought - a 75% share for now - and things are flying.  Indeed, Ebbsfleet United are challenging for promotion to the Football League proper and are deep in the local cup competition. 

So, in case you were worried that this was a great big scam, it’s not.  Well, the club shop may be; my shirt has yet to arrive that I ordered in November, but that’s neither here nor there.  As one of roughly 27,000 owners, I have a 0.003% share (for now, this will go down over time *alas*) but, more importantly, I have a voice in how the club is run, what guys play, what we should spend our cashmoney on, etc.  Anyone in Toronto thinking that MLSE is a piece of crap and is killing pro sports for the *joe punchclock fan* like me should totally join up.  Not convinced?  How about some quasi-communist clip-artwork themed just so?

 

 

Check out all sorts of goodies:

Main page: http://www.myfootballclub.co.uk
Ebbsfleet United: http://www.eufc.co.uk
Podcast: http://podme.libsyn.com/rss/My-Football-Club
BBC report on the approval of the sale: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/g/gravesend_and_northfleet/7190175.stm

Anyhow, I think this is awesome and must stress that it’s for reals and for seriousnesses.  It’s not a game, it’s real-life and it’s totally awesome.  I guarantee* that you’ll love it and will also renew your love for sport and ergo your will to live.  Capital!

* not a guarantee in any sense of the word

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: SNOW IS NOT A FRIEND OF CIVILIZATION, BUT THE MOUSTACHE IS. February 1, 2008

By Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Precipitation

For those who have not heard of this before, here is the main message to take away from today’s STUNNING events in scenic Toronto:

*** Snowstorms occurring during rush hour in Toronto are nature’s way of trying to kill you.  You, the guy reading this RIGHT NOW. ***

As reported earlier today, nature has stepped it up a notch, hurling ice at smokers along Front St.  However, there is one thing nature didn’t think about… the stunning power of the moustache and its ability to inspire and/or distract home-working slackers such as myself.

Things I have learned this morning:
1. There is a World Beard and Moustache Association (WBMA)… they have a pretty darn sweet logo.

2. They hold World Championships every two years.  2009 is to be held in Anchorage, which has all the City Fathers pretty chuffed up by all accounts.  For more information, check out their website! I will say, if the following guys showed up in my town, en masse, I would think “Hey, the world is coming to an end, I’m gonna start looting!” or “Hey, check out the Partial Beard Freestyle that that guy’s sporting!  Capital!”

I think my favourite part of all of this - except the moustaches - is the stated objective: “To raise the profile of beard and moustache clubs in order to attract new members and to bring to the general public a topic of interest and fun.”

3. Most relevantly, winter and moustaches are like *THIS* - this is a picture I found of a guy with a frozen face, essentially, but it’s made all the more noble and generally awesome by the serious icing of the moustache.  Judos to him and his exploring of the frozen land that I have deemed “IceVille”.  In other news my wild creativity has taken a hit due to tiredness from shovelling snow.

The lesson?  Grow a moustache or wear a fake one.  Especially when nature attacks.

Investigative Report Guest Post: BASKETBALL NO LONGER FOR GIGANTIC WUSSIES January 28, 2008

– Fairy-Princess Union Leaders Express Dismay, Outrage and Love for Ponies –

By Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Jujubes.

In days of yore, basketball - or Duck on a Rock as my abuse-loving forebears liked to call it - was a sport played by gentlemen and gentlewomen, with an oblong ball and using leisurely-type rules that were more akin to 9-a-side peach picking than to the basketball that has recently been popularized by such 8-foot-tall gastropods as certain un-named muscle-tension-heat-pad-magnates whose names rhyme with Schnakeel O’Real.

Why is this important, you ask?  Just simmer down, lest I call you a demeaning name such as “gastropod”.  Also, please note that I will cease and decist with the faux old-timey writing which, to be frank, is more awkward than funny.

Well, for the first time in two years (ish), I laced up my And1’s and hit the courts in the Milton Basketball League, located in scenic Milton.  Those expecting a funny non-Milton location such as Malton or Halton, shame on you.  Anyhow, my status this morning can best be described as “Tuckered Out — Level 3″.  This obviously has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a) older and b) flabbier, nor with the fact that our team had 1 spare, in contrast to our opponents who had 6 spares.  The whole issue is that basketball as I know - or rather knew - it, has changed.  Long gone are the days that I could tiptoe around munching on jujubes, uttering witty remarks and winning championships handily*. 

The lesson for us all?  Beware anyone proclaiming recreational sports endeavours as being “just for fun” - these people will club you over the head and steal your jujubes and dose you heavily with Lactic Acid.

*Number of “championships” won over past 13 years: 2, all of the recreational level, consolation variety.  *DYNASTY*

Investigative Report Guest Post: HUMANITY DOOMED? January 25, 2008

– Study shows: no. –

By Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Yogurt Dormancy

Yesterday was the scene of some serious trauma on Gooch Avenue.

> SCENE OPENS: 6.50am, darkness!

- black work bag containing: wallet, iPod, cellphone, my lunch - placed on roof of black car
- Jeffxa runs to slanty shanty, obtains recycling bins and compost bin, drags to curb
- Jeffxa runs into car (wow, it’s cold, brrr, better hurry and get that car heater going), closes door
- Jeffxa drives to work.

> SCENE CLOSES… fade to black as man sobs upon realizing that his bag is gone  *melodrama*

Note that at no time was the bag removed from said roof of car.  It was lost to locations unknown, maybe my neighbour snagged it if it fell off in the driveway.  Mother-in-law checker could not find it as of 8.00 that morning, alas.  Regardless, for the time being, I was in the market for:

- new work bag
- new cellphone
- new ipod
- new wallet including the following contents: pristine $20 bill, driver’s license, health card, 2 credit cards, 2 bank cards, insurance cards, hertz gold club card, aeroplan card, mec card, java joe’s card with THREE freebies saved up (that’s the most bitter pill of all), emergency subway token, and roughly 200 restaurant receipts that I will never check but continue to accrue for some reason. 

The lesson at the time: don’t carry a wallet.  Staple all important cards and information directly to your torso.

>SCENE OPENS: 5.30pm, darkness! (lousy winter)

- Jeffxa hears via wifely-type-person: BAG HAS BEEN FOUND BY PERSON WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!
- Jeffxa drives to said person’s house, re-procures bag, with all contents in pristine condition*

Anyhow, the point is, I got my bag back, with goods intact, after an amazing act of careless idiocy.  The moral: humanity is in good hands.  The hands of this philipino lady who lives at Jane & St. Marks.  Judos to you, nice lady!

* note that my lunch yogurt had exploded when I probably drove over the bag, but it was contained by the amazing strength of MY SUBCONSCIOUS WILL FROM AFAR to not leak.

Investigative Report Guest Post: BATTLE POISSON January 16, 2008

–Part of an ongoing series of exhibitions where Jeffxa outwits the universe–

As part of the ongoing deliciousness that is my Gentlemen’s Gourmet Group (no, we’re not gay, though we do sound it), it was determined by the Gourmet Powers-that-be that “FISH” was to be the theme for the most recent installment.  We meet once every few months or so, and so there was ample time to prepare whatever course I signed up to bring.  Those that know me (or of me) are aware that I have a pretty gigantic (and totally unwarranted) ego and armed with this hubrisness, I volunteered for the dessert course.

“Fish dessert” you say?  “Yes, Commander No-Read” I reply. 

Fish dessert..  el Hombre, bring him to me*.

Anyhow, the following items were brainstormed and deemed entire unsuitable by our judging panel consisting of me:
1. A cake, or something “normal” cut into the shape of a fish or fishES - this is the solution of persons deemed to be “weiners”
2. Use of fish eggs, which lost out due to a) gross! and b) too ‘fishy’ tasting/smelling; there’s a happy medium we’re looking for here
3. Smoked fish - no, mega-fishy and texturally bizarre
4. Candied fish, see item 2(a)
5. Squid inkage, this is a good idea except it’s not from a FISH per se and thus would disqualify me from winning the non-prize

The best suggestion and really, the only one worth my considerable talents:  raw!  Raw tuna is the wave of the future.

Execution of this was done with the following foodstuffs:
- lemons: everyone likes tuna with lemon
- cream: everyone likes tuna riding cows
- basil: those Thai people know how to unleash the healing power of the basil, and the word “Thai” is similar to “Tuna”.
- crispy pastry: everyone loves things that are golden brown and flaky.**
- tuna: you can’t spell “tuna” without t-u-n-a.  Tuna!  The red sushi kind, not the canned 49-cent kind.

Having procured the foodstuffs, a schematic was prepared to see how this might work.

The end result: DELICIOUS***.  More information is pretty much not required.  You should all just realize that I’m amazing and even undertaking such a venture pretty much demands your unflinching loyalty.

* If you get this Pee-Wee’s Playhouse reference, mad judos to you.
** It was also considered to stuff the tuna into a pre-made Vachon’s Passion Flake lunchtime snack cake, this was deemed too easy and thus not keeping with the ’spirit’ of the non-contest.
*** It was in fact pretty tasty and if the cream had had a smidge more sugar, it would have carried the non-day.

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: MAGGI SEASONINGS DEEMED AWESOME BY HOBOS December 20, 2007

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Duo-Twang 

So, not that this has anything to do with anything, but a few months ago, shortly after my dutch Grandpa passed away (the venerable “SuperPake” of Peanut’s Page fame), I had a conversation with a Trinidadian friend of mine who was extolling the virtues of all things Maggi.  Maggi, as I know it from my SuperPake days, is a black, liquid-based, soy-esque salt-addition vector.  You add a few drops and then boom, you have the same thing only saltier and darker.  Brooding, even. 

However - much to my surprise - I had been walking around with my hands over my eyes like so.  There is a *family* of Maggi products, all dedicated to improving the lives of eaters everywhere through adding more sodium.  Behold!  Maggi-deets as far as the eye can scroll.

Maggi was invented by this guy “so that busy women who worked in factories and didn’t have time to prepare healthy meals could enjoy nutritious, easy to prepare food”.  Thoughtful!

Maggi is apparently *huge* in the following countries/regions:
- Brazil & Chile (not in Argentina though)
- Weird hobo-centric parts of Europe
  > Bulgaria
  > Hungary
  > Russia

- Good hobo-free parts of Europe
  > Czech Republic
  > Finland
  > Germany
  > Spain
  > Switzerland

As well as… 

- New Zealand
- USA
- Japan
- Malaysia
- the Middle East (especially for the quality of their “Authentic Taste Mutton Stock” and the popular “Crazy Food Contest”)

Now, I hear you saying “well, dumbass, you’re in Canada and this was prompted by a conversation with a West Indian that resulted in recollections of a Dutchman… what gives?!” Well, judos to you for paying attention, but apparently Maggi deems these places unworthy of unique websites.  Thus, exclusion.  That said, you can find some goodness associated with these places, if you know where to look!

Maggi Season-Up is a ’seasoning’ it seems - à la Mrs. Dash - that you can get in the West Indies, to include in a wide variety of dishes ranging from Curried Goat through to Curried Fish.  Capital!  Also, in case you run out of Season-Up, feel free to substitute at your leisure with Maggi All-Purpose Seasoning (the black salt-juice) or Maggi powdered vegetable bouillon.  Non-Maggi-substitutions are not permitted.

Maggi can also be obtained on the black market here in Canada via Dutch smugglers.  $6.20 for a 7 oz bottle - “all you need is a drop for a world of difference.”

The point of all this?  Maggi’s not just for adding salt in a liquid form with the All-Purpose Seasoning anymore.  It’s also for adding muttony goodness to your hobo-dishes in all corners of the globe.  And having fun too!  *wink-n-guns*

**BIG UPS TO NESTLÉ FOR THE VARIOUS IMAGES**

Investigative Report Guest Post: ROAMING REPORTER MIA December 20, 2007

By DoL Editor-in-chief Julie, Defender of Roaming Reporters

It has been noted as of late that the Duotang has been lacking in Investigative Reports and instead an influx of mindless dribble, courtesy of moi, has taken over the pages. 

In fact, it has been many moons (well maybe like two…how many moons are there in 9 weeks?) since Jeffxa, Defender of Many has graced this site with his insights and amazing investigatory skills.  Not to worry, dear readers! Your intrepid Editor-in-Chief has found two clues* to his whereabouts and is expecting new materials and accounts of his adventures post-haste!

* That’s right - these clues point to only one thing. Jeffxa has been kidnapped by a Nashville based small-headed band and has been brainwashed into playing the geetahr. Thank jebus we found him in time.