DoL New Year’s Resolutions Investigative Report January 4, 2008

Apparently most new year’s resolutions don’t last past January 8th. The DoL wonders if this is true. Our resolution last year was to give up the ciggies and we’re pretty sure we made it at least until..no wait..January 8th would be pretty generous.  The question then remains—are there resolutions that can be kept?

Celebrities like to make their resolutions known to everyone, due to the gravity of their resolutions and the great example they provide us plebs.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Paris Hilton apparently has resolved to “maybe” finding a nice boyfriend. Now that’s right up my alley! If I put “maybe” into my resolution, then..well…I can’t really fail, can I?

DoL resolution number one:

Maybe find a nice* boyfriend.†

Heidi Montag of the Hills has resolved that she is “going to try as hard as possible even when people don’t deserve kindness…I am still going to give them kindness!” Okay, I’m noticing a trend here.  Heidi will try to not be a bitch to people who may or may not deserve bitchiness.  She may still end up telling everyone that you have bovine-style “mud guards” as it were , but she’ll try not to. *Ace*

DoL resolution number two:

Try really hard‡ to not defenestrate the guy at work who closely resembles Wormtail and is always playing with the change in his pocket.

Finally Amy Winehouse.  *Sigh* She has resolved to not die this year. I think that’s a really valid resolution and one that I can get on board with.  To be honest, I think I have a head start on her with this one. ‘Cause I don’t look dead either.  And my teeth are all present and accounted for. Oh, and I’m not Amy Winehouse.

DoL resolution number three:

Don’t die.

I also resolve to love me for me, save my money, eat more edamame, drink more white tea and less white wine and stop being so anal retentive. It’s the 4th today, right?

* And if I maybe fail, maybe not care so much and instead go shoe shopping or consume an entire ball of that buffalo milk mozzarella they have at the cheese boutique that costs like 11 dollars, but you just don’t care ’cause holy shit that stuff is divinity foodified. To be honest, to count as truly nice, said boyfriend should really A) take me shoe shopping and then B) reward said shopping with said ball of mozza.

† Resolution does not apply to Roaming Reporter Jeffxa or Moxie from the Canine Desk.

‡ Thankfully the windows at my office don’t open. *squint*

Happy New Year’s (almost). December 28, 2007

Due to a foreseen (but not disclosed to you, dear readers) absence, the entire staff of the ‘Tang took a brief sabbatical in the Rockie Mountains for the past week, eating Ricolas and wearing liederhosen and taking in the “airs”. So, we missed spreading Christmas cheer to you all. *apologies*

But hey! We’ve made it back in time for the most over-rated day of all! New Year’s Eve!  Or, if you’re “hip” and like acronyms, NYE.

Here’s how the DoL has decided to spend this special day:

*Cheers*

the wedding season - tips and trivia* May 30, 2007

The wedding season is upon us.  Huzzah to love and all it entails. 

I, personally, am wedding free this year.  All my friends are still in relative carrie bradshaw mode (fabulous, fashionable, but diamond free) so I am musing simply due to my proximity to OTHER people going to OTHER people’s weddings.

And since I have a few friends who are already scanning the pottery barn website and trudging unwillingly to williams-sonoma to get that le creuset sauté pan in “dijon”, I have decided to share a few tips for all you wedding attendees.

What to wear:

Deciding what to wear to a wedding can be very stressful.  Here’s a  few ways to take the anxiety out of it…

1)  Find out what the bridesmaids are wearing and wear the same dress.  You’ll feel like you’re more involved and your chances for getting laid go up 50%.

2)  Wear the exact outfit you wore to her last wedding.  Awkward?  No.  Great conversation opener with new in-laws.

3)  Organza.  If all else fails, nothing says glam like brightly coloured organza.

What to bring:

Nowadays, most people register.  This is convenient, but takes the fun out of gift giving.

1)  A carefully constructed photo album of your friend during those “wild college years”.  Many scrapbooking stores now carry decals, stickers and fancy paper for any compromising situation that you want to immortalize.

2)  A shetland pony.

3)  A framed photograph of the bride, drunk and carrying on, riding a shetland pony.  In sepia tones.

 

How to behave:

1)  I recommend golf claps at every opportunity.  Try and add some knowing smiles and nodding to those around you when doing this. 

2)  Champagne isn’t cheap and how often do you really have the opportunity? Drink up, ladies.  It isn’t like you’re going to wear your organza/bridesmaid dress again.

* I have no trivia to share other than the following:

“Seeing a lamb, frog, spider, black cat, or rainbows on the way to the ceremony is believed to be a sign of good luck!”

My recommendation?  Help the bride out by either - A) throwing a frog at her moments before she walks down the aisle, or B) plan her route to the church so that it passes by the pride parade (only useful on June 24th).

Oh, and by the by, I am *fingers crossed*, going to be getting married one day.  You do any of this (bar the shetland or the pride parade) and I will be very displeased.  holla!

Happy Easter! April 5, 2007

 big ups to Jess for the share.

Oh the Joys of VD (oh get your mind out of the gutter - i mean valentine’s) February 14, 2007

Matchpox - Defender of Sulphur February 13, 2007

Everyone knows that if you can’t go away with your family at Christmas, that your only alternative is to sell matches on the streets.  Generally this should be done in Victorian garb:

 This is best topped with an Ignorami.  Which is a form of ignorant origami that is most often manifested as a badly folded duncecap covered in soot. 

 If RBC won’t let me have Christmas week off, you can find me at the corner of Queen and Dovercourt.  I’ll be the one with the matches.  Yelling things at pretty people.