UPDATE: AUSTRALIA HAS AWESOMELY-NAMED, WILDLY NAIVE SENATOR May 30, 2011

–‘Capital name, fellow!’ claims Tyroneous Maximizer, Esq. from his 1880’s hot-air balloon-based office–

It’s not every day that life is worth living.  But somedays, yes, it is.  Basically this guy has a sweet stand-up name.  He’s no Dick Pound, but close.
Excerpt from the BBC.co.uk:

Meanwhile, independent Australian senator Nick Xenophon has demanded that Fifa refunds the Aus$45.6m (£29.6m) they spent on their unsuccessful bid to host the 2022 World Cup..

Xenophon said: “It appears corrupt and highly questionable behaviour goes to the core of Fifa.

Upon further review, it turns out that Mr. Xenophon (who presumably is affiliated with neither xylophones nor xenophobes), was once at some rally where he clearly* took a stance supporting the rights of eels.  I say this because a cropped photo on wikipedia cannot lie and I enjoy making rash judgments.  ‘Don’t we all’ I hear you say.  That’s right, we do. 

It is not clear as of press time whether the NRL’s Parramatta Eels support Mr. Xenophon, but as Sydney-based rugby players are known to be deeply involved in Australia sentatorial politics, it is safe to assume that yes, obviously they must.  And so forth.

Oh, and this just in: there is corruption in sports, or something.

Note: Big-ups to wikipedia (as usual) for the photomographs.

HEADLINE: GTA TO BE SAVED FROM CERTAIN DOOM BY NEW-WAVE TRANSPORTATION May 18, 2011

–‘Thank heavens!’ gasp reeking, unwashed masses–

People.  Get a hold of yourselves. 

I know that you have been fooled into thinking that this is some kind of super amazing fancy experience involving exotic fonts and mis-pronounciation.  It is not… well, sort of.  But it is still just a bus.  Any suggestions to the contrary are merely insanity and over-branding.

Trust me – a more fun thing to do with your time is seek out Oompa-Loompi.  On busses, ideally.

 

 

HEADLINE: SANTA BECOMES CREEPY DRUNK UNCLE IN MAY

–Dumpling restauranteuse “unsure” about why that may be–

I love Santa. That said, I really love this decoration that is adorning the wall of a dumpling restaurant near my place of work. My heart is full to bursting with these two loves… sorry wife & kids. Behold!

The less said, the better, I deem.

HEADLINE: HOLY SHIT March 11, 2011

“Best webpage layout ever, old chap” deems pipe-smoking, tweed-wearing jaunty British fellow, with knowing nod.



BBC News, in its wisdom, has deemed that somethings are just as important as say, epic earthquakes.  Behold!

Dear Japan and Pacific neighbours: Good luck with this insanely devastating natural disaster.  Don’t worry though, Michael Knight and KITT will save you… or so it seems.



Signed: BBC News



[PS – seriously, good luck Japan, call me if you need anything]

HEADLINE: TWITTER WANTS ME TO EMBRACE MY INNER FATSO February 28, 2011

I am pretty sure that Twitter hates me or else has some kind of bizarre brain-scan thing happening.  It wants to me to follow Taco Bell’s twitter feed which is kind of interesting since Taco Bell has yet to properly ‘feed’ anyone, ever.

I will give Taco Bell credit, the Super Delicious Ingredient Force is pretty awesome.  It’s no Mars-Mattel Chocobot Hour, but it’s close. I am further aware that by putting this much effort into discussing Taco Bell, the terrorists have won.  Alas!

In unrelated news, I loved the Oscars… I don’t care what all you hate-mongers out there think, Kirk Douglas was both lucid* and hilarious**. Catch the glamour-fever!

*in-fucking-sane
**frightening

Big ups to Taco Bell and Twitter for the photographery.

HEADLINE: REST OF WORLD DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE NFL, OTHER SPORTSMEN CONTINUE TO EXIST February 22, 2011

Responds NFL Commissioner Ralph Goodale: “What the… since when? Get me Dark Overlord Palin on the speaking telegraph!”

It’s that time of er… fouryear… again. That’s right, time for the ICC Cricket World Cup. This time it’s coming from the host nation(s) of India – Bangladesh – Sri Lanka (heretofore known as InBaSri Heavy Manufacturing Concern for short long). The key element of this triumvirate of crickiehosts is that they have massive mascot problems. Behold!

And yet!

Alas!

The good peoples of the InBaSri Heavy Manufacturing Concern can host sixteen nations over the course of like, two months of sporting contest, but they cannot figure out how to keep colours uniform, nor how to get oversized foam tusks onto an oversized foam elephant head. Another obvious concern is that the Mascot’s name – thanks to the official website for this, incidentally – is “Stumpy”. I’ll let that sink in for just a moment.

Yeah, too easy. Among Stumpy’s non-limb-related key characteristics is “Learning to master the art of concentration”. Amazing. I really need to get a job associated with over-marketed things where money is no object.

Other crazy neat stuff about cricket can be located here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cricket_terms

The key element of the 2011 world cup is of course that Canada is involved and as usual (in non-ice-based sports) we are due to get our clocks cleaned, much like in 2007, 2003 and so forth. In fact, we nearly set a record in our first match with Sri Lanka by losing by one of the most lopsided scores ever. Reach for the stars.

Unbeknownst to you, probably, is that Canada holds a rather distinguished cricketing distinction, that being one of the two nations to have contested the first ever international cricket match, in 1844, v. USA Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Though we were never mighty, nor have we therefore fallen, I am sure some kind of lamentational quote might be appropriate. No? Ok then.

Enjoy the cricket! Go on you wacky fellows!

(big ups to BBC, Yahoo and Seattleist for the photos)

Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Law NonForcement Officer” February 18, 2011

NonForcement Officer (n.) – Individual nominally employed for the safeguarding of a place of business – usually a retail outlet – with minimal obvious training or interest in said purpose of employment.  Predominantly this person is tasked with identifying and preventing shop-lifting at such locations as youth clothing stores or the parliamentary convenience store.  Common identifiers include: blank stare, standard-issue navy blue or canary yellow “SECURITY” jacket, oversized beating-flashlight (brought from home) and black chunky boots or shoes.



Example:

“Wow, that group of rowdy teens is going to cause real trouble at the 24-h supermarket.”

“Not to worry, they have a 350-lb law nonforcement officer on duty next to the wall of gum, toy and novelty tattoo dispensers… he’ll keep the peace or die not trying.”

It should be noted that there are indeed a great deal of excellent private security firms in Toronto and for that matter, world-wide.  But I would generally say that I am making fun of those other, unprofessional loser guys, not you, in case you were feeling offended.

HEADLINE: POPES OWN CRAZY STUFF March 17, 2009

— Guest Post Writer Struck Down by Un-amused God.  ‘Enough with the shenanigans’ says He.–

While reading the news this morning I came across the following article where the current Pope suggests that in order to fight AIDS in Africa, condom use should be stopped, to be replaced with abstinence.  Not *absinthe* which would have been super cool for a Pope to say.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2009/03/17/8778981-ap.html

Anyhow, turns out, this decree was made on the Pope’s plane.  PLANE.

It should be noted that in fact, the Pope doesn’t own a plane, it’s chartered.  No custom mile-high baptisms.  However, there are other things the Pope owns:

1. The Papal Tiara.. er, there are several… tiari.2. The Popemobile.  In unrelated product-tie-ins, the car is a Mercedes.

 

3. King Henry VIII’s divorce-request letters.

4. High-high Fashiony Goods.

At Press Time, it remains  unclear if the Pope owns a Pope Sprinker. If he has any self-respect, the answer will be yes.

Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Hikey McLeaverson” February 19, 2009

Hikey McLeaverson. HAHYK-ee mick-LEEV-er-suhn (v.) The act of going out of or away from a location; generally related to the weekday afternoon act of departing from one’s place of employment.

 

Example: See below.

GUEST POST: SOME PEOPLE SHOULD BE BANNED FROM DRIVING February 17, 2009

–Offended wealthy dowager crumpes, swoons, proclaims “my stars!”–

Apparently there is no real law against people doing exceedingly stupid things to and with their cars. Working in an 8-storey structure housing a variety of knowledge-based companies and their associated employees who – it stands to reason – are full of “knowledge”, I presumed that I would be immune to the following, yet, it turns out, I am not. In fact, the other day, I found the newest means to send me over the deep end into a rage-filled flight of fancywords.

Past winners:
A. The Super-window-cling

B. The Super-tissue

New champion:
C. The Super-marvellous-paint-job-of-awesomeness

This car – parked on the top of the multi-story parking garage, no less – displayed a full-fledged-flaunting of the norms of civil society with its use of a) colour, b) fencing, c) mythical creatures in frightening poses and d) inappropriate vanity plates (not shown for privacy… but let me assure you that it was both hateful and poorly spelled). Frankly, if it weren’t for the existence of the Seven-of-Nine-PT-Cruiser, I would deem this the craziest car in history.