Often jeff will give me tasks. and I am a good finder outer of info for him. One day, when I had no tasks, I created a logo for myself, based on my taskiness.
Vuelto de México. Revolución un busto. February 27, 2007
Ola! So on Saturday me and my brood returned from the sunny beaches of Playa Del Carmen. Such good times we had! Much better than Cuba, with its incessant vomiting, torrential downpours and bribing for a room clean.
I will also intersperse some graphics, also known as pictures.
1) I arrived rather late on Saturday night. My arrival at our resort was delayed by some c*ckmonkey drunkards with no manners. On Sunday morning, I was bright eyed and ready for a new day. And what did I see? This little fella:
Because I like to name things myself and not honour their orginal, proper, or “mayan” names, I decided to call this a Jambon, which I think is relatively self-explanatory. Jambons have the following interesting characteristics and personality traits: they are bigger than a hamster and smaller than my mum’s cat (which isnt saying much); when they sit, their rumps sort of round out and when the sun shines on it, the rump glistens – very pleasing to the eye; they are tricksy, and can often be seen wearing little black masks and carrying bags with a “$” on them; they don’t wear diapers and have been known to go into pyramid formation when properly enticed. We love us some Jambons.
For your reference:
2) In Mexico, people speak “Spanish”. Apparently, this means that they need to say “hasta la vista, baby” alot. Now I get it – it means goodbye in “their” language – but seriously, just to save on the fromage factor couldnt they say… “adios”? or “adieu, adieu to yeu and yeu and yeu”? This was noted to be especially prevelant with tour guides who would then promptly ask for a tip.
3) No trip is completed without a pessimist. Everyday we would get our “doom and gloom report” via Wendy
The scene would run as follows:
8 am, Riu Playacar Resort and Sanatarium, one cloud in sky – cloud is white and actually smiling and giggling in an innocent fashion.
Wendy: Damn this weather. The report shows this cloud hanging around for the next week. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…Bah! Just not our luck!
Cloud runs away because it is sad.
Wendy: Hey look, it’s clearing up; but it probably won’t last. I’m expecting hail in an hour.
Julie promptly gets a beer.
End scene. (In all honesty, of course, we love Wendy because of her weather reports, not in spite of them, and I certainly needed an excuse for another beer)
4) Most days we’d camp out at our favourite spot by the pool. There’s a wheelchair ramp which was a source of endless amusement to Amelia.
Now us older folk weren’t quite so amused by the ramp (which is probably a good thing when you think about it). Instead, we were amused with people watching. Two people in particular really stood out for us: Shlongo the Yoga Man, and Swizzle Teets. Now – no really calm down – these two were a SIGHT. I’ll start with Shlongo. Shlongo is an older gentleman, I’d say roughly 70, heavily tanned and sporting a fantastic black, white and red striped budgie smuggler. I’m not a fan of speedos (except for you, daniel craig, rawr) at the best of times, so when Shlongo is in his lounger and he feels the unjustifiable and relentless need to raise BOTH his legs OVER his head, I was aghast. I mean good for him and all, but there were children around! Swizzle Teets, though she has an interesting name, is largely more disappointing. Basically the lesson learned is as follows: You may be 32, but that DOESN’T mean that you have a great rack. So put the sagbags away. It was harsh, but it needed to be said.
5) The Animación Team. I swear to the sweet lord jebus and the camel by which he rode. These people are inately evil. They actually had a game they called Revolution. “Hey there chica, hey lady, you want to play Revolution?” “No.” “Awww c’mon lady, it’s fun!” “No, you pest, leave me.” Animación man prances away to find another victim. Oh wait a second! Did I mention that the Animación guy is carrying a rifle? Oops!
At one point the Animación men were seen doing what I would call “inapporpriate” things – throwing scantilly clad underage girls in the pool, dry humping sixty year old ladies, and so on. When I pointed this out to Jeff, he suggested that perhaps they would go to Jailo. I, in turn, suggested that it was maybe Consolado. And so was born our only Falsi-mexi. Thank YOU Animación team!
6) On Wednesday we decided to go on an excursion to Xel-ha and Tulum.
Tulum is an old Mayan city and it was very interesting.
Our guide, Armando (said with a very rolly polly “r”) told us lots of interesting “facts”. Fun fact number one – The Mayan people are born with a spot at the base of their spine called the Mongolian Spot. Now I just looked this up. And it’s at least sort of real. So I’m a bit disturbed. Okay, fun fact number two – Some dude named Adams came over to the Yucatan and noticed that all these Mayans were chewing something that made their teeth nice and white. And Adams said – what is this fantastic stuff? And the Mayans said it’s called tziktli – which isnt related to tzatziki, but rather sounds like chih – klits! HEYA! *bam* Thank you, Mayans, for gum.
7) Second part of our day-trip was to Xel-ha, which is this really cool natural aquarium. Basically this underground river hits the ocean and it’s all mixy with the saline and is GTs all around. So we all went for a snorkle. And by all, I mean Alicia, Jeff, dad and myself.
Well, I havent really snorkeled for a dog’s year and I’m not the best, per se, with…well…animals that can swim better than me – which is, to be honest, every sea-faring animal, so things got a bit kooky pretty quickly.
Firstly, one of my fins fell off almost immediately, so I made loud noises while I tried to rescue it. Rescued and onwards. Jeff and Alicia had gone ahead, and dad was relatively close. Dum-dee-dum, let’s see what I can see. Oh look! A four foot barracuda! Neat! Yeah not so much. Anyone who knows me and the comedy of errors that is my existence will not be suprised to learn that I somehow managed to jump (from mid-water) onto my father’s back, all the while yelping and making a general ass out of myself. A sight to behold I am sure. In the end I decided I like to snorkle in dinosaur free waters.
So as you can see, Mexico was splendid. Welcome home to me!
Falsyadverto February 16, 2007
My brother and I are big fans of made up words. We even made up a word to name these made up words – the falsi-lexi.
Falsyadverto (adj.). When something seems to be one way, but upon further inspection, is another way ALL together.
“My banéné was kinda mottled on the skin – it was fine though – falsyadverto.”
Matchpox – Defender of Sulphur February 13, 2007
Everyone knows that if you can’t go away with your family at Christmas, that your only alternative is to sell matches on the streets. Generally this should be done in Victorian garb:
This is best topped with an Ignorami. Which is a form of ignorant origami that is most often manifested as a badly folded duncecap covered in soot.
If RBC won’t let me have Christmas week off, you can find me at the corner of Queen and Dovercourt. I’ll be the one with the matches. Yelling things at pretty people.
Super Lucky Comparo-Time! February 7, 2007
Okay so I know this has been discussed before; but is it just me, or does she (being Janice) look remarkably like her (being Donatella):
Granted, one is made of felt. Guess which!
baaaa February 6, 2007
Last week I told Dommo that I had no food in my house. And that was an ill-truth cause I did have some beef stroganoff. Dommo was unimpressed. “You have no food, but you have Beef…and other really good things…like LAMBS!” Well I have no lambs. I am cooking no lamb nor am i knitting a woolen sweater on myself from it’s fuzz while it is slow roasting in my oven.