the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

show me the meaning! SHOW! May 31, 2007

Filed under: bored at work — duotangoflies @ 2:10 pm

Last Sunday, while waiting for a lovely dinner to be made, Jeff and I watched the “abridged” version of The Return of the King (abridged being skimming over the homoerotic Sam and Frodo moments).  When a work becomes abridged, scenes and lines will stand out that may not have otherwise.

One line in particular has had a profound effect on this week’s raconteurism. 

Gandalf, with the idiotic hobbit on his pretty horse, gallops away.  His steed, known for it’s swiftness (sneaker-free) is instructed:

“Run, Shadowfax and show us the meaning of haste” 

You can start small with this , which we did. Request dinner – “Show me the meaning of satiated”.  But, being us, it’s gotten a bit out of hand.

Two classics from today:

1)  Context – I am writing relatively cryptic emails to Jeff.  This is causing unneeded confusion and frustration, demonstrated as follows.

“TOOL!  Show me the meaning of Philips!”

2)  Context – The afternoon is slow going.  As I am working a later shift, I still have 3 hours to go; I describe these as “painful”. 

“Like 3h of shallow stabbing of a kebab skewer into my chest.  Show me the meaning of hypoglycemia!”

show-me.jpg

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the wedding season – tips and trivia* May 30, 2007

Filed under: Holiday Cheer — duotangoflies @ 11:06 am

The wedding season is upon us.  Huzzah to love and all it entails. 

I, personally, am wedding free this year.  All my friends are still in relative carrie bradshaw mode (fabulous, fashionable, but diamond free) so I am musing simply due to my proximity to OTHER people going to OTHER people’s weddings.

And since I have a few friends who are already scanning the pottery barn website and trudging unwillingly to williams-sonoma to get that le creuset sauté pan in “dijon”, I have decided to share a few tips for all you wedding attendees.

What to wear:

Deciding what to wear to a wedding can be very stressful.  Here’s a  few ways to take the anxiety out of it…

1)  Find out what the bridesmaids are wearing and wear the same dress.  You’ll feel like you’re more involved and your chances for getting laid go up 50%.

2)  Wear the exact outfit you wore to her last wedding.  Awkward?  No.  Great conversation opener with new in-laws.

3)  Organza.  If all else fails, nothing says glam like brightly coloured organza.

What to bring:

Nowadays, most people register.  This is convenient, but takes the fun out of gift giving.

1)  A carefully constructed photo album of your friend during those “wild college years”.  Many scrapbooking stores now carry decals, stickers and fancy paper for any compromising situation that you want to immortalize.

2)  A shetland pony.

3)  A framed photograph of the bride, drunk and carrying on, riding a shetland pony.  In sepia tones.

 

shetland.jpg

How to behave:

1)  I recommend golf claps at every opportunity.  Try and add some knowing smiles and nodding to those around you when doing this. 

2)  Champagne isn’t cheap and how often do you really have the opportunity? Drink up, ladies.  It isn’t like you’re going to wear your organza/bridesmaid dress again.

* I have no trivia to share other than the following:

“Seeing a lamb, frog, spider, black cat, or rainbows on the way to the ceremony is believed to be a sign of good luck!”

My recommendation?  Help the bride out by either – A) throwing a frog at her moments before she walks down the aisle, or B) plan her route to the church so that it passes by the pride parade (only useful on June 24th).

Oh, and by the by, I am *fingers crossed*, going to be getting married one day.  You do any of this (bar the shetland or the pride parade) and I will be very displeased.  holla!

 

Steve the Bee – bombus stevus May 24, 2007

Filed under: tribute — duotangoflies @ 10:37 am

bombus stevus – a friendly bumble bee who returns yearly to one backyard (my parental unit’s) with a specified patio focus (in terms of the area under his guardianship) who acts as sentinel against wasps and other such winged critters who may disrupt an evening meal.

Steve has shown up again this summer! Fuzzy and protective!

 

The Great Sprinkle Fourinity – Donut Challenge May 22, 2007

Filed under: Comparo — duotangoflies @ 12:55 pm

While most people this long weekend went camping, set off bottle rockets, or found other ways to celebrate Vicky’s 188th day of birfing, my brother (Jeffrey James, Professional Engineer and baked goods aficionado), father (Johannes, semi-retired banker and general ne’er-do-well), sister-in-law (Alicia, Professional Engineer and sagacious sprinkle scrutinizer) and I (Julie Michelle, Technical Analyst and usually hungry) decided to test the merits and flaws of four different ‘breeds’ of sprinkle donut, AKA the infamous Hawaiian. 

We approached our task with all the scientific objectivity we could muster and with two common goals in mind – to discover which of the entries is the epitome of all that is good and true in sprinkle donutdom, and of course, to eat donuts until we felt sick.  I can say, with absolute authority, that we have accomplished both.

Firstly – the contestants:

We decided to go classic for this. 

1)  Tim Horton’s – Founded in Hamilton in 1964, Timmie’s is Canada’s largest serving food chain (take that, Ronald).

2)  Coffee Time – Founded in 1982, Coffee Time has traditionally targeted a lower income bracket and, in February 2007, was found to receive an astonishing 78 infractions for every 100 health inspections.

3)  Country Style – In business for over 40 years, Country Style is known for the quality of its coffee.

4)  Baker’s Dozen – Founded in 1978, Baker’s Dozen doesn’t have its own website.  I mean honestly – *I* have my own website.

Secondly – the criteria:

There are a total of 5 criteria each judged out of 5, with 5 being the best.  With 4 judges each contributing 25 marks to each donut, we have an overall Sprinkle-Score out of 100.  Convenient!

1)  Overall appearance

2)  Overall taste

3)  Sprinkle Adherence (if I turn it upside down or take a bite, am I going to lose those little guys?)

4)  Freshness

5)  Sprinkle Density (how many sprinkles have they squeezed on?)

Additional criterion:

We decided, in the event of a tie, to also rate the wares on cost and sheer size. The rankings are as follows for this criteria…

size…

Baker’s Dozen; Coffee Time; Country Style; Tim Horton’s.

cost…

Baker’s Dozen (70 ¢); Coffee Time (80 ¢); Tim Horton’s (85 ¢); Country Style (90 ¢)

Some notes while testings:

Being the discerning judges we are, we couldn’t help but discuss how we felt about the samples as we tested them.  My diligence in recording these ceased after I started to feel a bit sick (by sample #2, I believe), so the comments are few and generally negative. 

1)  Tim’s – We noted a chemical taste and found the sprinkles to be crunchy.  As Alicia put it, the product’s “sprinkle density is to its own detriment.”

2)  Coffee Time – The soft sprinklage was unnerving. 

3)  Baker’s Dozen – A bit doughy – bordering on not cooked.  Two of our judges noted a distinct pasty/yeastiness to this one.

4) Country Style – Crunchy, yet somehow soft, sprinkles lead us to scratch our heads.

The results:

Firstly, let’s look at the winners in each category:

1)  Overall Appearance:  Coffee Time – 17/20 – Big sprinkles, good colour, nice size.

2)  Overall Taste:  Country Style – 16/20 – All around nice.  Sprinkle texture different, yet upon reflection, pleasing. 

3)  Sprinkle Adherence:  Tim Horton’s – 19.5/20 – The spherical sprinkle – like a negative ion to the positive ion of the icing.

4)  Freshness:  Country Style – 18/20 – Well cooked, mon ami; a most recent creation.

5)  Sprinkle Density: Tim Horton’s – 17.5/20 – you can fit more when they’re round.

And the final score:

The big loser was definitely Coffee Time.  Considering it’s track record with health violations and hiring rodents as deep-fry assistants, this is no big surprise.

We had a tie, however, for the winning spot.  Both Country Style and Baker’s Dozen received a 78.5 out of a possible 100.   In the end, due to size and cost, Baker’s Dozen officially took the title.

Personally, I’m not pleased.  I enjoyed Country Style more and it had the best score in two of the categories. Baker’s Dozen didn’t even take any of the sub-divisions!  How veracious can this result be? Baker’s Dozen won by not absolutely sucking.  It didn’t have the overall best appearance – but it certainly didn’t have the worst (which went to Tim’s for its anaemic offering).  In terms of sprinkle adherence, density and freshness it ranked second, thereby allowing it to stay in the running – an underdog, if you will.

In conclusion – if you want the best sprinkle donut, cost and capaciousness aside, I’d recommend Country Style.  You want the best donut when you are famished and a bit short on change – go for the Dozen.

 Thank you to Wikipedia.com for all info in this regard

 

falsi-lexi of the day – “cabulator” and “taxify” May 17, 2007

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 10:12 am

Cabulator (n.):  a car driven by a person whose job is to take passengers where they want to go in exchange for money or magic beans.

.

Taxify (v.):  the act of taking a cabulator to a destination. 

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 Example:  “This sure is some heavy precipitation!  Think I will hail a cabulator and taxify my sweet ass home.”

cabulator.jpg

 

Less fleece – more geese! – You be the judge! May 8, 2007

Filed under: bored at work — duotangoflies @ 2:59 pm

Which logo should be on Jeff’s new business card*?

 new-image.jpg

 OR….

 untitled.jpg

* There’s a long story behind this, most of which is nonsensical.  In essence I just haven’t posted for a while.  For what it’s worth – I like mine better.