the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

Monday Night Commercial Assessment July 31, 2007

Filed under: bored at work — duotangoflies @ 1:12 pm

Every Monday, El and I like to get together and watch the patient and benevolent Gordon Ramsay tear people new poopshoots on Hell’s Kitchen.

If you haven’t watched Hell’s Kitchen, well, the season finale is on next Monday on CityTV.  Which leads me to the real point of this.  CityTV, I have noticed over the years, likes to play the same 3 or 4 commercials during each time slot. Week after week of Hell’s Kitchen and El and I have become all too familiar with them. Familiar to the point of analysing them.  Familiar to the point that we thought a post should actually exist. Sad.

1) Roger’s Wireless starring the weird all-pupils-no-irises guy and the super hot blonde guy in a tan suit. I wasn’t able to find a still from this particular ad.  Basically the freaky all-pupils-no-iris guy has issues with his phone coverage and super hot blonde guy in a tan suit has no problems at all.  What should be noted here is the following:  (A) Good looking people make wiser decisions when it comes to their cellular provider.  (B) The way to prove you have good coverage is to put on a tan suit and go on some sort of transport device (i.e. escalator or elevator).  (C) Just because super hot blonde guy in a tan suit is super hot and in a commerical for cell phones doesn’t mean that he wants to call you.  *triste*

2)  Swiss Chalet’s family reunion rained in – we can’t possibly bring the food we’ve prepared indoors and must therefore go have rotisserie chicken. Our concerns with this ad are numerous: (A)  We undertand how rain can “dampen” an outdoor family reunion, but do you people live outside?  Don’t you at least live in some sort of dwelling, into which you can bring the food and then eat it? Are they mutually exclusive ideas – family reuinions (at least dwelling-based ones) and rain? (B) Now relocated to Swiss Chalet, the family is super happy and feels compensated for their 4 hour drive.  The bestest part?  Little 8 year old girl gets to have tomato and cucumber salad!  OH BOY!  *huge maniac eyes* This is ludicrous.  First, basically no normal kid likes that, and second, even if they do, it isn’t some fantastic treat, some elvin-forged super delicacy that Swiss Chalet has exclusively made available.  It’s two basic vegetables commonly found in North America.  Seriously.  I think there’s wild cucumber growing in the ditch near my apartment.

3) CityTV weather guy (Harold’s “replacement”) Can’t See It Can’t Track It spot. Okay, granted, this is CityTV we’re watching, but I’m a little bitter at the absence of Harold Hussein, and this “new guy” really gets my goat. What’s more, I beg to differ – I can’t actually see my UPS parcel, but if I go to UPS.ca and put in my tracking code it does tell me where it’s at.  Non-visual tracking – a viable possibilty in this, the Information Age.

4) KY massage oil on a yacht – everyone’s favourite weekend activity. This is a strange one.  Not sure what they think the demographic is watching Hell’s Kitchen, but apparently it must include sun-soaked nubile women who enjoy a good frolic on their yacht. As El always says, there’s nothing she enjoys more than prancing around on her yacht, being chased by her beau, who upon catching her, gives her a massage.  *mirth*

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When the gin is cold and the piano’s hot. July 30, 2007

Filed under: Comparo — duotangoflies @ 10:53 am

As per Wikipedia, “Jazz Hands is a common gesture often used in theatre and dance. To perform Jazz Hands, one’s hands are opened with palms facing forward and the fingers are splayed.

The Hands may then be shaken slightly, as if holding a tambourine. However, this is not a necessary part of the Jazz Hands action*.”

The lesser known, though no less expressive, cousin of Jazz Hands is the Jazz Confusion Face.  Though not a standard of the theatre set, Jazz Confusion Face is often utilised by befuddled engineers, generally while wearing a hard hat (see below).  The most distinctive features of the Jazz Confused Face is not the splaying of hands, but rather a pursing of the lips and furrowing of the brow. 

 .

jazzface.jpg

Both Jazz Hands and Jazz Confused Face can be prompted upon hearing Fosse, though for wildly different reasons.

*DoL disagrees, and feels that there is no Jazz in the Hands without the slight shaking.

 

Investigative Report Guest Post: The effects of attending a wedding in Kenora on the human brain July 27, 2007

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 3:08 pm

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Trouser Pants.

Recently I had the profound pleasure of attending a wedding in Kenora, ON, where the scenic Lakeview Inn housed both reception and my hotel room.  The excellent consequence of this was a simple path from reception to pass-out-slab (known also as “bed”), and thus a tailor-made opportunity to engage in scientific* study for the sake of my own personal satisfaction. 

The first stage is planning.  The bridal party deemed this to be a boisterous occasion, and thus announced to all involved that a 16 drink-per-guest intake rate had been budgeted.  A quick glance around the reception hall suggested that maybe 20 of the ~150 guests were underage or pregnant or lamewads, so that re-averages to 18-19 drinks-per-guest.  The bar had been set; pardon the pun.

In an unrelated matter, CAMH suggest a maximum WEEKLY intake of alcohol for men of 14 drinks (http://www.lrdg.net/home.html). That would be a “healthy” male-type-person’s max.  If the weekend in its entirety is taken into account, more hilarity of moderately concerning nature ensues.  More on that later.

Beer discovery highlight: MacLay’s – rated 77 and “worth a try”

(http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/415/25133/)

To stick with the point, trying to reach a 16-20 drink intake, while maintaining both the ability to speak clearly, dance and make it from reception to pass-out-slab at the end without soiling oneself is far trickier than you might suspect… mainly its hard to drink that fast and be social at the same time.  Any dork can drink a bottle of whiskey in a dank basement by themselves.

Timeline of the evening:
drinks 1-3: pre-reception cocktails – status = jovial
drinks 4-8: dinner – status = boisterous, volume-control knob broken completely
drinks 9-?: dancing – status = ludicrous, but maintaining general equilibrium and decision-making control

My last attempt at logic of the night involved me being unable to return to the reception after coming upstairs.  The reason? My pants were off.  Apparantly I am unable to re-attach trousers post-drinking.  That sort of thinking put a man on the moon, people.

A final consideration of the impact of the Kenora weekend is that Friday night was spent at a) bbq and then b) drinking Trinny rum in the hotel.  Friday’s lunch included a pint, as did Saturday breakfast.  Betwixt ceremony and reception was a few drinks in the hotel.  The sum of all this – Kenora is a place for getting your drink on.  Effect on brain – less than
positive, though the happy fun memories (that actually imprinted) are worth that to be sure.

* – unscientific
Note: big ups to thebeerstore.ca for the picture

 

Attention! World! Duotang of Lies Influences Nationally Syndicated Broadsheet!

Filed under: Taking over the world — duotangoflies @ 1:19 pm

When was it…like…last week that I mentioned how much I’m loving fun “Brit” sayings like “Just not cricket!”.

 Well looky here:

cricket.jpg

I know there’s no such thing as a “big” coincidence or a “small” coincidence, but this, beloved ‘tang readers, this is way too much. I honestly had no idea that this was the sort of attention we were getting.  *Bite knuckle and look skywards*

 

six things i currently love. July 19, 2007

Filed under: bored at work — duotangoflies @ 11:16 am

’cause you’ve been sitting at home in front of your ordinateur, hands clasped together, bated breath…

1)  All things Zimbish*.

2) Hot air balloons piloted by mustachioed men wearing era-specific headgear; à la “bowler balloon” movement of the early 20th century.

3)  Rompers. Playsuits.  Call them what you will – I’m a fan.

4)  Accidental and unexpected USE OF CAPSLOCK IN EMAILS THAT CAUSES UNDUE emphasis.

5)  Pockets in places that pockets wouldn’t normally be, like a dress.  Seriously – “Oh, I don’t know about that orange chiffon one…wait a tick…Oooooooooooooooooooooooh!  It has pockets!  Yeah, totally get it.” *knowing nod*

6)  Relatively outdated British exclamatories, i.e. “capital!”; “tops!”; “just not cricket!”.

see ‘falsi-lexi of the day’ dated July 6th, 2007

 

hiatus? not quite. July 16, 2007

Filed under: Taking over the world — duotangoflies @ 3:52 pm

It would appear that the ‘tang’s influence is far-reaching; like some sort of giant squid, but not nearly as sinister or inky.  How do I know this?  Simple.  The good people at Torontoist enjoyed our DoL Great Sprinkle Donut Challenge so much that they have recruited us to write up some more for them.  *high five*

squid.jpg

Wednesday at approximately 2 PM (EST) check out torontoist.com for the first Great Torontoist Challenge – Frozen Edition.

The DoL is still alive and well, so don’t fret.  More to come!

 

Investigative Report Guest Post: BECKS OR TETLEY’S – WHICH IS MORE LIKELY TO AFFECT MY LIFE? July 13, 2007

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 10:53 am

By Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Sunshine mixed with Beer.

First, some exciting background information*.

Fact A: I have Toronto FC season tickets with esteemed Co-Seat-Holder and Defender of Legal Software D’Andy (note that Andy is stylish like that).

dandy.jpg

Fact B: LA Galaxy come to town to face TFC on August 5th, and I will be at that game.
Fact C: The beer garden at the friendly confines of BMO Field (home of TFC, ya dang dunce) serves, among other things, tallboy cans of Tetley’s English Ale, which I deem to be delicious, especially when combined with a steak & mushroom pie or a roti or sunshine.

beer-garden.jpg

Fact D: There are two of these aforementioned Tetley’s tallboy cans (full, no less) in my beer fridge at home, and they didn’t come from BMO Field

tetley.jpg

Fact E: LA Galaxy’s team now includes David Beckham, who is deemed “pretty” by my sister and roughly every woman and gay man I’ve ever spoken to (and many straight men; frankly, I even agree that he’s pretty, though not in a “hey, I’d switch” kinda way)

becks.jpg

Secondly, my exciting** point:

While the pretty man runs around, getting completely abused by my boy Maurice Edu (#6 in your programmes, #1 in your heart –  yeah, I said it) and TFC runs away with the match, I will be drinking Tetley’s and singing off key and out of sync with D’Andy and the Portuguese guy next to me who calls me Roger and is blowing a whistle 20% of the time.  Likely, we will be more pleased by the bevarines than by the presence of Becks, and I can reminisce at a later date with a frosty Tetley’s at home.  That said, my ticket is worth about 50 times its value; eBay is quite something. 

What costs $400 and will result in somebody saying “I paid how much for those?  Seriously?  Was I high?”:

ebay.jpg

The moral of the story? Tetley’s is better – for me, on a day-to-day, as well as soccer-attendance basis – than Beckham.  That said, me and my Tetley’s aren’t like *this* with the SpiceGirls, so we’ll call it even between he and I.

* thanks to everyone for not enforcing their copyrights on photographs
** not exciting in the least, though quite anti-climactic