Investigative Report Guest Post: Dickheads on the Bus August 13, 2007

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Supernaturally Gifted Animals Everywhere

Recently, I had the dubious honour of riding for approximately 8 minutes on one of the TTC’s “poorly performing” bus lines, the clearly un-venerable 26 Dupont to St. George.  Luckily, my malaise of being associated with a loser bus route was usurped by my internal rage at a lady who deemed it necessary to harass a woman and her dog.

“Oh!” I hear you say, “but dogs are not allowed on the bus, what kind of magic fairly-land bus were you riding upon, you lying liar of lies and ill-truths!”.  Well, let me tell you before you pull that trigger.  This was no ordinary dog.  It was a kind of *super* dog.

In fact, it was a deaf woman with her trusty helper-dog.  Now, don’t get me started about the whole merits of a dog that “hears” for you, I am a big fan of both dogs and the deaf, so I’ll say that I am a bigger proponent of helper-monkeys rather than dogs, we’ll leave it at that.  Regardless, this deaf lady gets on the bus with her dog, sits down, and about three minutes later, this lady goes up to the deaf woman the following exchange ensues (I swear to Jeebus, verbatim*):

– lady: “Oh hi, your dog is so beautiful, may I pet him”
– deaf lady: [nods]
– lady: [pets dog]
– dog: [wags tail]
– lady: [smirks self-satisfyingly]
– me: [shakes head, averts eyes]
– lady: “So, why do you have this dog, anyhow?”
– me: [jerks in seat]
– deaf lady: “Because I’m deaf”
– lady: [pauses a beat] “SO… WHAT… DOES… THE… DOG… DO… FOR… YOU”
– deaf lady: [pulls ‘stop request’ cord]
– bus: BING

No, before you say “well, jackass, how was this lady to know she was deaf?”, I will cut you off and suggest that the twin mega-mondo hearing aids were giveaway #1, as well as the fact that the deaf woman was making eye contact and looking around and clearly was not of the no-see-ums (aka blind) persuasion.  Gosh.  You’re so simple sometimes.  Regardless, I find it rather lame to basically ask a stranger, in a public place, “So, I see that you’re disabled.  What variety of disability have you got… is it painful and crippling?  I sure hope so!”

The lesson – as this has so far been pretty much a beratement, rather than an investigation, per se – is that people on busses should shut their yappers and listen to “Learn to Speak Italian” or something by Choclair on their iPods rather than pestering people.   Oh and dogs are marvelous creatures though they are inferior to monkeys in many respects including dexterity with feet.

* – not verbatim, but dang close
Note: big ups to CostumeCraze.com for the picture and the severe case of the heebiejeebies

Aminal Of The Day: The Newt

Newt: a small, usually bright-colored semi-aquatic salamander of North America, Europe and Asia, distinguished from other salamanders by the lack of rib or costal grooves along the sides of the body. Not to be confused with the equally well know, though less amphibious, Newt Gingrich.

Things to consider about the Newt:

1) Newts have the ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, spinal cords, hearts, intestines, and upper and lower jaws. N.B. They can only regenerate their own body parts, not yours.

2) In Monty Python and the Holy Grail a peasant claims that a suspected witch turned him into a newt, although admits that he “got better”. Newts everywhere took exception to this, the implication being that newtness is a form of illness.

3) The photo above is in fact an example of Notophthalmus viridescens.  He just enjoys shouting Triturus vulgaris at random intervals throughout his day; it keeps him level-headed and clear of mind.