the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

The arbitrariness of cookbooks and our planned retaliation. September 24, 2007

Filed under: bored at work — duotangoflies @ 12:33 pm

Just yesterday, myself, my roaming reporter, our new canine fact-finder and members of our family spent the day together.  During this day, being yesterday, Jeff and his wife, Alicia, decided to make a vegetarian mushroom & nut paté.  

Upon completion we realised the following:

a)  needs way less nuts;

b)   the recipe lists a serving size that is ludicrous (i.e. serves 4 – 6).

Our plan is as follows:

a)  half the nuts.

b)  write our own damn cookbook where when a recipe lists the possibility of serving 4 to 6 with a certain recipe, it also indicates 4 to 6 what.

Allow me to explain.  This paté, as per above, fit an entire loaf pan with some to spare.  There was, to put it mildly, a lot of the stuff.  After initial joking has been completed:  “Four to six?  As a main?  Who eats this much paté?”, Jeff mentioned that perhaps the cookbook meant that it would feed four to six famine-suffering hobos.  They are usually a hungry bunch, and this made more sense.  You can most likely imagine how this then went.  You could have a risotto that serves 16 to 20 caterpillars.  A pavolva that serves one donkey.  We could even make up our own temperature scale—the reitasamgrade:

“Roast your bison for 20 minutes at -47 reitasamgrade, or until done.”

But wait  (you say)!  This has become vraiment compliqué! Not so.  The DoL cookbook would not only include fun recipes for the busy person, but a comprehensive conversion chart so that in the event that you wanted to make the pavlova for the caterpillars instead of a donkey, you would know if you needed to double or half the recipe. *convenience*

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Duotang of Lies Hiring Announcement: Moxie

Filed under: aminal of the day,Taking over the world — duotangoflies @ 9:57 am

We know it’s been quiet around here lately.  This is not, however, due to inactivity on the part of the staff of the DoL.  We have, behind the scenes, been searching fastidiously for a new member, and last Monday we were pleased to find a suitable candidate.

Moxie boasts an impressive curriculum vitae, which includes an undercover investigation of at least one humane society and who has been known to dedicate himself to his craft to the point of staying in a park tied to a tree for what can only be described as a “significant amount of time”.

While Moxie is illiterate, at least that we currently know of, his ability to unabashedly hump the air and his love of fact-finding will undoubtebly prove invaluable to the DoL in its mission to take over the world (which, to be honest, could use a bit of a boost).

 He also, it should be noted, sports a jaunty hat.

 Please join the editor and roaming reporter in welcoming DoL’s newest staff. 

 

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO DAVID DUCHOVNY? September 4, 2007

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 1:26 pm

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Singes.

If you are like me – and if you are not I bet you wish you were, even though that’s pretty well the saddest thing I’ve ever heard – you have often sat quietly in a darkened room nursing a bottle of root beer schnapps and wondered where David Duchovny went. 

Ever since his tour-de-force work in Zoolander, it’s been all shaggy beards and dumpster-rooting…or so I thought. 

A quick check with night-vision goggles into Gillian Anderson’s window from my duck blind in her yard, shows that David is not in fact living it up with her in a sad, perpetual How to Host a Murder-esque X-Files role play. Don’t go shedding too many salty tears on that signed photo of you and a look-a-like Assistant Director Skinner just yet, friend.  We have found Mr. Duchovny.  Behold!

mulder-grill.jpg

Yep.  He’s clearly the model for these charcoal guys.  Capital!  If that’s not the greatest thing in the history of the universe, well… I’ll be a monkeys uncle.

monkeys_uncle.jpg

Note: yes, I know that apparantly there is another X-Files movie in the works and that Mr. Duchovny is a) married and has a “life”, b) does other projects that are lame and unpopular and c) is a vegetarian and thus is unlikely to offer me a chicken leg or steak as he is portrayed, above.  But if you are calling me on these things, you are a doofus and your opinion is not worth all the Bazooka Joe comics in the world, tubby.