the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

Julie Goes to Work and Encounters Strange Happenings November 27, 2007

Filed under: excursions — duotangoflies @ 11:11 am

I have to say you may find this all par for the course.  You may live in some bizarre neighbourhood where cat ladies roam and streetcars fill on whim.  But I don’t.  I like order!  I live next to Parkdale, dammit!

1)  First I missed the streetcar—apparently running and waving didn’t warrant the dude stopping.  And the streetcar I missed—not full at all.  So the next streetcar comes like 2 minutes later—chock a block.  That’s weird.  Usually it’s the other way around. Anyone who takes the streetcar regularly knows this.  It’s like the first streetcar went by and for some reason either no one got on (maybe that guy wasn’t stopping for anyone) OR as soon as it was gone dozens of commuters suddenly materialised for the second trolley.

2)  So I get off at John St. and start walking down to Front.  Just past Adelaide I hear this “AaaaaAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” and look over and there’s this woman rolling down the sidewalk.  And people are walking by; as they do.  The ONLY person who stops is this blind dude I have mused about before due to his non-effectual guide dog, Buddy,  who doesn’t listen to the blind dude and like tries to lead him into traffic: “Buddy! Buddy! C’mon, Buddy! Oh for fuck’s sake Buddy!”.  So I run across the street to help.  She slipped, I guess, but it was weird cause she yelled like a dying cat when she did it (ergo my rushing over to help), but then she just got up and walked off.  *squint*

3)  So then I get to John and King and cross the street and at Mercer I seriously walk past 1947.  Well, a woman dressed in full late 40s garb.  The hat, the pin curls, the trench, the low thick beige heels, the red lipstick. 


And, of course, the whole time I’m wearing 3 inch heels—running across streets and after trams and away from the ghost of Ingrid Bergman. It was, to be frank, a weird journey to my travail this morning.


Garbalism of the Day — “Hapanowa” November 22, 2007

Filed under: Garbalism of the Day — duotangoflies @ 5:06 pm

Hapanowa (n.):  Being the garbled fashion of indicating a time period of 30 minutes.

Example:  “An appropriate amount of time to engage in skiless skiing with a pal is approximately hapanowa.”




DoL “You Decide” Challenge: What Hurts More? November 14, 2007

Filed under: DoL Challenge — duotangoflies @ 10:16 am

Vote for your favourite!




Gape shot?


Seriously, I’m voting for the gape.  It just looks more sinister.


six things i currently love (part 2) November 13, 2007

Filed under: bored at work — duotangoflies @ 3:23 pm

’cause you’ve been sitting at home in front of your ordinateur, hands clasped together, bated breath…

1)  My shoots.  Other people call them booties, but that just makes them sound like they’re for children.  And my shoots are way too major for any baby.*

2)  My dog’s (Moxie Moo Trouser-pants) winter wardrobe: One camouflage Puppia harness. One green fisherman’s sweater.  One blue and green sock for his head.

3)  Tall man’s complex.†

4)  Iron-on patches for the inside of your jeans.  ‘Cause it’s better than paying $170 for a new pair.

5)  The fact that the Duotang of Lies has the reading level assignation of “Junior High School” according to this site.  Seriously.  You knew what ‘assignation’ meant in grade 8?

6)  Okay, I may only really love 5 things at this exact moment.  It’s in a constant state of flux, really.


* The DoL would like to apologize for using the word ‘major.’  We’ve been reading copious amounts on Posh lately and well…it was bound to happen.
† Which isn’t a complex at all.  *ironic*


Patsy 101 – A DoL How-to November 7, 2007

Filed under: bored at work — duotangoflies @ 9:59 am



You’ll want to firmly secure the cape on the goat.  You don’t have to use red velvet with a lightning insignia for this to be effective, either.  A big “S” is one idea…it really depends on your work environment and the temperament of your goat. Good luck.


Aminal of the Day: Poison Fart Dog November 1, 2007

Filed under: aminal of the day — duotangoflies @ 11:56 am

Poison Fart Dog: the common name of a family of small, amphibious dogs. The dogs are named Poison Fart Dogs in a generalization reflecting the widespread notion that all Poison Fart Dogs are used by North American tribes* in the manufacture of poison gas that is blown in the general direction of their enemy—elementary school children and their teachers.  Though similarily named, the Poison Fart Dog should not be confused with the Poison Dart Frog, who are native to South America and have no interest in the students of split grade classes in North York.


* The DoL would like to clarify that the term “tribe” should not be assumed to infer First Nations people.  The DoL would also like to clarify that the source of this information regarding tribes and the uses of the Poison Fart Dog (being the DoL itself) is highly suspect.