the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

Happy New Year’s (almost). December 28, 2007

Filed under: Holiday Cheer — duotangoflies @ 8:37 am

Due to a foreseen (but not disclosed to you, dear readers) absence, the entire staff of the ‘Tang took a brief sabbatical in the Rockie Mountains for the past week, eating Ricolas and wearing liederhosen and taking in the “airs”. So, we missed spreading Christmas cheer to you all. *apologies*

But hey! We’ve made it back in time for the most over-rated day of all! New Year’s Eve!  Or, if you’re “hip” and like acronyms, NYE.

Here’s how the DoL has decided to spend this special day:




Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 2:03 pm

By DoL Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Duo-Twang 

So, not that this has anything to do with anything, but a few months ago, shortly after my dutch Grandpa passed away (the venerable “SuperPake” of Peanut’s Page fame), I had a conversation with a Trinidadian friend of mine who was extolling the virtues of all things Maggi.  Maggi, as I know it from my SuperPake days, is a black, liquid-based, soy-esque salt-addition vector.  You add a few drops and then boom, you have the same thing only saltier and darker.  Brooding, even. 

However – much to my surprise – I had been walking around with my hands over my eyes like so.  There is a *family* of Maggi products, all dedicated to improving the lives of eaters everywhere through adding more sodium.  Behold!  Maggi-deets as far as the eye can scroll.

Maggi was invented by this guy “so that busy women who worked in factories and didn’t have time to prepare healthy meals could enjoy nutritious, easy to prepare food”.  Thoughtful!


Maggi is apparently *huge* in the following countries/regions:
– Brazil & Chile (not in Argentina though)
– Weird hobo-centric parts of Europe
  > Bulgaria
  > Hungary
  > Russia


– Good hobo-free parts of Europe
  > Czech Republic
  > Finland
  > Germany
  > Spain
  > Switzerland

As well as… 

– New Zealand
– Japan
– Malaysia
– the Middle East (especially for the quality of their “Authentic Taste Mutton Stock” and the popular “Crazy Food Contest”)

Now, I hear you saying “well, dumbass, you’re in Canada and this was prompted by a conversation with a West Indian that resulted in recollections of a Dutchman… what gives?!” Well, judos to you for paying attention, but apparently Maggi deems these places unworthy of unique websites.  Thus, exclusion.  That said, you can find some goodness associated with these places, if you know where to look!

Maggi Season-Up is a ‘seasoning’ it seems – à la Mrs. Dash – that you can get in the West Indies, to include in a wide variety of dishes ranging from Curried Goat through to Curried Fish.  Capital!  Also, in case you run out of Season-Up, feel free to substitute at your leisure with Maggi All-Purpose Seasoning (the black salt-juice) or Maggi powdered vegetable bouillon.  Non-Maggi-substitutions are not permitted.


Maggi can also be obtained on the black market here in Canada via Dutch smugglers.  $6.20 for a 7 oz bottle – “all you need is a drop for a world of difference.”


The point of all this?  Maggi’s not just for adding salt in a liquid form with the All-Purpose Seasoning anymore.  It’s also for adding muttony goodness to your hobo-dishes in all corners of the globe.  And having fun too!  *wink-n-guns*



Investigative Report Guest Post: ROAMING REPORTER MIA

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 10:38 am

By DoL Editor-in-chief Julie, Defender of Roaming Reporters

It has been noted as of late that the Duotang has been lacking in Investigative Reports and instead an influx of mindless dribble, courtesy of moi, has taken over the pages. 

In fact, it has been many moons (well maybe like two…how many moons are there in 9 weeks?) since Jeffxa, Defender of Many has graced this site with his insights and amazing investigatory skills.  Not to worry, dear readers! Your intrepid Editor-in-Chief has found two clues* to his whereabouts and is expecting new materials and accounts of his adventures post-haste!



* That’s right – these clues point to only one thing. Jeffxa has been kidnapped by a Nashville based small-headed band and has been brainwashed into playing the geetahr. Thank jebus we found him in time.


Duotang of Lies Attracts Visitors, Goat Lovers. December 12, 2007

Filed under: items of note — duotangoflies @ 3:19 pm

Over the past week or so, the editors of this, your favourite site, have noted a marked increase in traffic.  We know we’re no fancy celebrity-bashing blog and so we never expect too much in terms of numbers of visits, but when we saw a 40% increase, well we certainly raised our eyebrows and started nodding in that “hey now, check out how very boss we are” kind of way.

Some of you plebs out there may not understand the intricate and alchemistic behind-the-scenes world of wordpress, so allow me to enlighten you. Through the looking-glass one can not only write and manage one’s postings, but one can also see just how people found one’s site. Here are the results for these past two days of increased traffic:


What has happened in the world in the past two days that so many net-surfing members of the planet are focusing themselves on these, our cloven-hooved friends? What cataclysmic bovidae related event transpired?  *Puzzler*


Can you, dear reader, solve the cryptogram that is our most recent stat report? Put on your two-ended tweed hat and let us know.


The CIA – kid friendly and dog loving December 11, 2007

Filed under: Taking over the world — duotangoflies @ 2:41 pm

My mustachioed colleague, of moustache fame, shared an important and informative site with me today.  Sure, one may generally think of cloaks, daggers, blue canoes flying at midnight, and other mysterious stuff when discussing the CIA, but after a gander at this fine site your view will change. ‘Cause the CIA, dear readers, isn’t all about subversive plots to undermine world leaders who don’t want to pander to the American agenda.  It’s also about kids, learning, fun and, most importantly, doggies.

Some fun facts about doggies of the CIA:

1) Bonja, a really friendly German Shepherd, was sad when she first joined the CIA, because she couldn’t play with her toys; sad that is, until she realised that if she just followed the smell of explosives, she could play all she wanted! *joy*

2)  Eric, the Belgian Malinois, enjoys drooling and, from what I gather from his personal page, speaks Dutch!

3)  Sure, Garcia may have been “helpful” as a Seeing Eye dog, but he didn’t have nearly as much street cred as he does now, helping sniff out bombs and such.  Seeing Eye Dog?  I mean really.  That’s just another example of leftist idealism.

Apparently, the CIA also believes in some good old-fashioned values.  Their dogs don’t live in sin. Not like the dogs in some cultures.  I think you know what I mean. *stare*


Fun Slang Adjectives For You and Your Friends! December 6, 2007

Filed under: bored at work — duotangoflies @ 2:40 pm

I don’t know about you, but sometimes calling things “cool”, “neat” and “of the latest fashion” gets a bit tedious.  Why not add some sparkle to your conversations?

You’ll have your friends giving you high fives with these New and Improved* Slang Adjectives* compiled by our fearless Roaming Reporter, Jeffxa, Defender of Allegory:

– choice
– tubular
– ayatollah of rock ‘n rolla
– fine & dandy like sour candy
– mint
– top of the notch
– capital



*Slang list is not fully new, nor for that matter improved. It’s just compiled. And we think that’s work enough.


Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Aweirdsome” December 5, 2007

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 2:09 pm

Aweirdsome (adj.) – Involving or suggesting the fantastic and bizarre while also inspiring awe.

Example: “Culottes and cable knits aside, it’s simply aweirdsome how the background model is hinged like that on the foreground model’s ass.”


Big ups to Torontoist and Toronto Life for the ad.  Big ups especially to Simpsons for once existing and, when you did exist, rocking so hard.

Even bigger ups to my mustachioed colleague for contributing this falsi-lexi to the ‘Tang.