the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

HEADLINE: TWITTER WANTS ME TO EMBRACE MY INNER FATSO February 28, 2011

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 10:09 am

I am pretty sure that Twitter hates me or else has some kind of bizarre brain-scan thing happening.  It wants to me to follow Taco Bell’s twitter feed which is kind of interesting since Taco Bell has yet to properly ‘feed’ anyone, ever.

I will give Taco Bell credit, the Super Delicious Ingredient Force is pretty awesome.  It’s no Mars-Mattel Chocobot Hour, but it’s close. I am further aware that by putting this much effort into discussing Taco Bell, the terrorists have won.  Alas!

In unrelated news, I loved the Oscars… I don’t care what all you hate-mongers out there think, Kirk Douglas was both lucid* and hilarious**. Catch the glamour-fever!

*in-fucking-sane
**frightening

Big ups to Taco Bell and Twitter for the photographery.

 

HEADLINE: REST OF WORLD DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE NFL, OTHER SPORTSMEN CONTINUE TO EXIST February 22, 2011

Filed under: aminal of the day,Guest Postie,items of note — duotangoflies @ 3:58 pm

Responds NFL Commissioner Ralph Goodale: “What the… since when? Get me Dark Overlord Palin on the speaking telegraph!”

It’s that time of er… fouryear… again. That’s right, time for the ICC Cricket World Cup. This time it’s coming from the host nation(s) of India – Bangladesh – Sri Lanka (heretofore known as InBaSri Heavy Manufacturing Concern for short long). The key element of this triumvirate of crickiehosts is that they have massive mascot problems. Behold!

And yet!

Alas!

The good peoples of the InBaSri Heavy Manufacturing Concern can host sixteen nations over the course of like, two months of sporting contest, but they cannot figure out how to keep colours uniform, nor how to get oversized foam tusks onto an oversized foam elephant head. Another obvious concern is that the Mascot’s name – thanks to the official website for this, incidentally – is “Stumpy”. I’ll let that sink in for just a moment.

Yeah, too easy. Among Stumpy’s non-limb-related key characteristics is “Learning to master the art of concentration”. Amazing. I really need to get a job associated with over-marketed things where money is no object.

Other crazy neat stuff about cricket can be located here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cricket_terms

The key element of the 2011 world cup is of course that Canada is involved and as usual (in non-ice-based sports) we are due to get our clocks cleaned, much like in 2007, 2003 and so forth. In fact, we nearly set a record in our first match with Sri Lanka by losing by one of the most lopsided scores ever. Reach for the stars.

Unbeknownst to you, probably, is that Canada holds a rather distinguished cricketing distinction, that being one of the two nations to have contested the first ever international cricket match, in 1844, v. USA Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Though we were never mighty, nor have we therefore fallen, I am sure some kind of lamentational quote might be appropriate. No? Ok then.

Enjoy the cricket! Go on you wacky fellows!

(big ups to BBC, Yahoo and Seattleist for the photos)

 

Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Law NonForcement Officer” February 18, 2011

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 1:17 pm

NonForcement Officer (n.) – Individual nominally employed for the safeguarding of a place of business – usually a retail outlet – with minimal obvious training or interest in said purpose of employment.  Predominantly this person is tasked with identifying and preventing shop-lifting at such locations as youth clothing stores or the parliamentary convenience store.  Common identifiers include: blank stare, standard-issue navy blue or canary yellow “SECURITY” jacket, oversized beating-flashlight (brought from home) and black chunky boots or shoes.



Example:

“Wow, that group of rowdy teens is going to cause real trouble at the 24-h supermarket.”

“Not to worry, they have a 350-lb law nonforcement officer on duty next to the wall of gum, toy and novelty tattoo dispensers… he’ll keep the peace or die not trying.”

It should be noted that there are indeed a great deal of excellent private security firms in Toronto and for that matter, world-wide.  But I would generally say that I am making fun of those other, unprofessional loser guys, not you, in case you were feeling offended.