the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

HEADLINE: REST OF WORLD DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE NFL, OTHER SPORTSMEN CONTINUE TO EXIST February 22, 2011

Filed under: aminal of the day,Guest Postie,items of note — duotangoflies @ 3:58 pm

Responds NFL Commissioner Ralph Goodale: “What the… since when? Get me Dark Overlord Palin on the speaking telegraph!”

It’s that time of er… fouryear… again. That’s right, time for the ICC Cricket World Cup. This time it’s coming from the host nation(s) of India – Bangladesh – Sri Lanka (heretofore known as InBaSri Heavy Manufacturing Concern for short long). The key element of this triumvirate of crickiehosts is that they have massive mascot problems. Behold!

And yet!

Alas!

The good peoples of the InBaSri Heavy Manufacturing Concern can host sixteen nations over the course of like, two months of sporting contest, but they cannot figure out how to keep colours uniform, nor how to get oversized foam tusks onto an oversized foam elephant head. Another obvious concern is that the Mascot’s name – thanks to the official website for this, incidentally – is “Stumpy”. I’ll let that sink in for just a moment.

Yeah, too easy. Among Stumpy’s non-limb-related key characteristics is “Learning to master the art of concentration”. Amazing. I really need to get a job associated with over-marketed things where money is no object.

Other crazy neat stuff about cricket can be located here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cricket_terms

The key element of the 2011 world cup is of course that Canada is involved and as usual (in non-ice-based sports) we are due to get our clocks cleaned, much like in 2007, 2003 and so forth. In fact, we nearly set a record in our first match with Sri Lanka by losing by one of the most lopsided scores ever. Reach for the stars.

Unbeknownst to you, probably, is that Canada holds a rather distinguished cricketing distinction, that being one of the two nations to have contested the first ever international cricket match, in 1844, v. USA Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Though we were never mighty, nor have we therefore fallen, I am sure some kind of lamentational quote might be appropriate. No? Ok then.

Enjoy the cricket! Go on you wacky fellows!

(big ups to BBC, Yahoo and Seattleist for the photos)

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Animal of the Day: The Badger January 11, 2008

Filed under: aminal of the day — duotangoflies @ 12:52 pm

If you ever wondered if the Empire was dead, you need to look no further than our friend, the badger (Meles meles).

As per Wikipedia, the British are a cunning bunch.  Bad teeth and frosty dispositions aside, Brits are all wiles, and will continue in their path to claim further territories in the name of their be-hatted Queen.  As per the following:

“British forces were said to have released man-eating badgers in the vicinity of Basra, Iraq following the 2003 coalition invasion. This allegation has been denied by the British, and local scientists agree that the animals, Ratels, also known as Honey Badgers, are native to the area.”

Oh right.  And they just happen to be decked out in union jack themed bowlers? Unlikely.

 badger.jpg

CAPITAL!

 

Aminal of the Day: Poison Fart Dog November 1, 2007

Filed under: aminal of the day — duotangoflies @ 11:56 am

Poison Fart Dog: the common name of a family of small, amphibious dogs. The dogs are named Poison Fart Dogs in a generalization reflecting the widespread notion that all Poison Fart Dogs are used by North American tribes* in the manufacture of poison gas that is blown in the general direction of their enemy—elementary school children and their teachers.  Though similarily named, the Poison Fart Dog should not be confused with the Poison Dart Frog, who are native to South America and have no interest in the students of split grade classes in North York.

poison-fart-dog.jpg

* The DoL would like to clarify that the term “tribe” should not be assumed to infer First Nations people.  The DoL would also like to clarify that the source of this information regarding tribes and the uses of the Poison Fart Dog (being the DoL itself) is highly suspect.

 

Duotang of Lies Hiring Announcement: Moxie September 24, 2007

Filed under: aminal of the day,Taking over the world — duotangoflies @ 9:57 am

We know it’s been quiet around here lately.  This is not, however, due to inactivity on the part of the staff of the DoL.  We have, behind the scenes, been searching fastidiously for a new member, and last Monday we were pleased to find a suitable candidate.

Moxie boasts an impressive curriculum vitae, which includes an undercover investigation of at least one humane society and who has been known to dedicate himself to his craft to the point of staying in a park tied to a tree for what can only be described as a “significant amount of time”.

While Moxie is illiterate, at least that we currently know of, his ability to unabashedly hump the air and his love of fact-finding will undoubtebly prove invaluable to the DoL in its mission to take over the world (which, to be honest, could use a bit of a boost).

 He also, it should be noted, sports a jaunty hat.

 Please join the editor and roaming reporter in welcoming DoL’s newest staff. 

 

Aminal Of The Day: The Newt August 13, 2007

Filed under: aminal of the day — duotangoflies @ 10:10 am

Newt: a small, usually bright-colored semi-aquatic salamander of North America, Europe and Asia, distinguished from other salamanders by the lack of rib or costal grooves along the sides of the body. Not to be confused with the equally well know, though less amphibious, Newt Gingrich.

newt.jpg

Things to consider about the Newt:

1) Newts have the ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, spinal cords, hearts, intestines, and upper and lower jaws. N.B. They can only regenerate their own body parts, not yours.

2) In Monty Python and the Holy Grail a peasant claims that a suspected witch turned him into a newt, although admits that he “got better”. Newts everywhere took exception to this, the implication being that newtness is a form of illness.

3) The photo above is in fact an example of Notophthalmus viridescens.  He just enjoys shouting Triturus vulgaris at random intervals throughout his day; it keeps him level-headed and clear of mind.

 

aminal of the day: the bison. June 7, 2007

Filed under: aminal of the day — duotangoflies @ 3:31 pm

Bison:  An oxlike ruminant, Bison bison, having a large head and high, humped shoulders: formerly common in North America, its small remaining population in isolated western areas of the U.S. and Canada, specifically the High Park Zoo, is now protected.

Things to consider about the bison bison:

1)  They prefer to be called by their full latin name “bison bison” in a faux-french accent.

2)  Their meat is delicious.  I recommend trying it at Perigee. 

3)  You can try to milk them and make cheese, but I wouldn’t recommend it. We considered dressing up like ninjas and giving it a whirl, but the plan really fell through when Andrea couldn’t come up with the night vision goggles.

4)  Homosexual behaviour is common amongst the bison bison*.

5)  They are also referred to as Prairie Cows, but they find this demeaning.

* Doubt me?  Check Wikipedia.  *wiki*