the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

Investigative Reports: Work-based Hot Sauce = Elusive! January 10, 2008

Filed under: bored at work,Comparo,items of note — duotangoflies @ 12:21 pm

The other day, myself (the editor of the DoL) and Jeffxa (the Roaming Reporter) were comparing lunch time sustenance choices via electronic messenger pigeon.  It was noted that my sub, the Sante Fe, had a low spice quotient, which was causing me some vexation. Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, upon hearing of vexed state, suggested I use the hot sauce I keep at my desk. A good and fair suggestion, you might say. Howevever when I looked at my desk I noted a distinct LACK of Frank’s goodness.  Instead, I was able to inventorize the following:

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Wasabi peas are “spicy,” but it wasn’t really what I was going for.  My inventorization did, however, provide me with a sense of satisfaction at the other contents of my cube and I did not hestitate to convey this to Jeffxa, all the while indicating to him that since he had no Frank’s in his cube either, that he really shouldn’t suggest it or act as though I should have said sauciness. Especially when I have so much other great stuff.

Jeffxa has rebutted with his own cube contents:

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So, while I understand that a series of framed stolen souls add spice to life, they really aren’t going to make my Sante Fe sub any more piquanté.

That being said, who do you think should be the winner of the cube wars? Hell.  Send us your own cube war submission.  If you have hot sauce we’ll even give you a prize. And by prize we mean we’ll just come over and steal it. *spicy*

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When the gin is cold and the piano’s hot. July 30, 2007

Filed under: Comparo — duotangoflies @ 10:53 am

As per Wikipedia, “Jazz Hands is a common gesture often used in theatre and dance. To perform Jazz Hands, one’s hands are opened with palms facing forward and the fingers are splayed.

The Hands may then be shaken slightly, as if holding a tambourine. However, this is not a necessary part of the Jazz Hands action*.”

The lesser known, though no less expressive, cousin of Jazz Hands is the Jazz Confusion Face.  Though not a standard of the theatre set, Jazz Confusion Face is often utilised by befuddled engineers, generally while wearing a hard hat (see below).  The most distinctive features of the Jazz Confused Face is not the splaying of hands, but rather a pursing of the lips and furrowing of the brow. 

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Both Jazz Hands and Jazz Confused Face can be prompted upon hearing Fosse, though for wildly different reasons.

*DoL disagrees, and feels that there is no Jazz in the Hands without the slight shaking.

 

The Great Sprinkle Fourinity – Donut Challenge May 22, 2007

Filed under: Comparo — duotangoflies @ 12:55 pm

While most people this long weekend went camping, set off bottle rockets, or found other ways to celebrate Vicky’s 188th day of birfing, my brother (Jeffrey James, Professional Engineer and baked goods aficionado), father (Johannes, semi-retired banker and general ne’er-do-well), sister-in-law (Alicia, Professional Engineer and sagacious sprinkle scrutinizer) and I (Julie Michelle, Technical Analyst and usually hungry) decided to test the merits and flaws of four different ‘breeds’ of sprinkle donut, AKA the infamous Hawaiian. 

We approached our task with all the scientific objectivity we could muster and with two common goals in mind – to discover which of the entries is the epitome of all that is good and true in sprinkle donutdom, and of course, to eat donuts until we felt sick.  I can say, with absolute authority, that we have accomplished both.

Firstly – the contestants:

We decided to go classic for this. 

1)  Tim Horton’s – Founded in Hamilton in 1964, Timmie’s is Canada’s largest serving food chain (take that, Ronald).

2)  Coffee Time – Founded in 1982, Coffee Time has traditionally targeted a lower income bracket and, in February 2007, was found to receive an astonishing 78 infractions for every 100 health inspections.

3)  Country Style – In business for over 40 years, Country Style is known for the quality of its coffee.

4)  Baker’s Dozen – Founded in 1978, Baker’s Dozen doesn’t have its own website.  I mean honestly – *I* have my own website.

Secondly – the criteria:

There are a total of 5 criteria each judged out of 5, with 5 being the best.  With 4 judges each contributing 25 marks to each donut, we have an overall Sprinkle-Score out of 100.  Convenient!

1)  Overall appearance

2)  Overall taste

3)  Sprinkle Adherence (if I turn it upside down or take a bite, am I going to lose those little guys?)

4)  Freshness

5)  Sprinkle Density (how many sprinkles have they squeezed on?)

Additional criterion:

We decided, in the event of a tie, to also rate the wares on cost and sheer size. The rankings are as follows for this criteria…

size…

Baker’s Dozen; Coffee Time; Country Style; Tim Horton’s.

cost…

Baker’s Dozen (70 ¢); Coffee Time (80 ¢); Tim Horton’s (85 ¢); Country Style (90 ¢)

Some notes while testings:

Being the discerning judges we are, we couldn’t help but discuss how we felt about the samples as we tested them.  My diligence in recording these ceased after I started to feel a bit sick (by sample #2, I believe), so the comments are few and generally negative. 

1)  Tim’s – We noted a chemical taste and found the sprinkles to be crunchy.  As Alicia put it, the product’s “sprinkle density is to its own detriment.”

2)  Coffee Time – The soft sprinklage was unnerving. 

3)  Baker’s Dozen – A bit doughy – bordering on not cooked.  Two of our judges noted a distinct pasty/yeastiness to this one.

4) Country Style – Crunchy, yet somehow soft, sprinkles lead us to scratch our heads.

The results:

Firstly, let’s look at the winners in each category:

1)  Overall Appearance:  Coffee Time – 17/20 – Big sprinkles, good colour, nice size.

2)  Overall Taste:  Country Style – 16/20 – All around nice.  Sprinkle texture different, yet upon reflection, pleasing. 

3)  Sprinkle Adherence:  Tim Horton’s – 19.5/20 – The spherical sprinkle – like a negative ion to the positive ion of the icing.

4)  Freshness:  Country Style – 18/20 – Well cooked, mon ami; a most recent creation.

5)  Sprinkle Density: Tim Horton’s – 17.5/20 – you can fit more when they’re round.

And the final score:

The big loser was definitely Coffee Time.  Considering it’s track record with health violations and hiring rodents as deep-fry assistants, this is no big surprise.

We had a tie, however, for the winning spot.  Both Country Style and Baker’s Dozen received a 78.5 out of a possible 100.   In the end, due to size and cost, Baker’s Dozen officially took the title.

Personally, I’m not pleased.  I enjoyed Country Style more and it had the best score in two of the categories. Baker’s Dozen didn’t even take any of the sub-divisions!  How veracious can this result be? Baker’s Dozen won by not absolutely sucking.  It didn’t have the overall best appearance – but it certainly didn’t have the worst (which went to Tim’s for its anaemic offering).  In terms of sprinkle adherence, density and freshness it ranked second, thereby allowing it to stay in the running – an underdog, if you will.

In conclusion – if you want the best sprinkle donut, cost and capaciousness aside, I’d recommend Country Style.  You want the best donut when you are famished and a bit short on change – go for the Dozen.

 Thank you to Wikipedia.com for all info in this regard

 

Super Lucky Comparo-Time! February 7, 2007

Filed under: Comparo — duotangoflies @ 9:35 am

janice the muppet

Okay so I know this has been discussed before; but is it just me, or does she (being Janice) look remaDonnatella the muppetrkably like her (being Donatella): 

 Granted, one is made of felt.   Guess which!