the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

Julie Goes to Work and Encounters Strange Happenings November 27, 2007

Filed under: excursions — duotangoflies @ 11:11 am

I have to say you may find this all par for the course.  You may live in some bizarre neighbourhood where cat ladies roam and streetcars fill on whim.  But I don’t.  I like order!  I live next to Parkdale, dammit!

1)  First I missed the streetcar—apparently running and waving didn’t warrant the dude stopping.  And the streetcar I missed—not full at all.  So the next streetcar comes like 2 minutes later—chock a block.  That’s weird.  Usually it’s the other way around. Anyone who takes the streetcar regularly knows this.  It’s like the first streetcar went by and for some reason either no one got on (maybe that guy wasn’t stopping for anyone) OR as soon as it was gone dozens of commuters suddenly materialised for the second trolley.

2)  So I get off at John St. and start walking down to Front.  Just past Adelaide I hear this “AaaaaAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” and look over and there’s this woman rolling down the sidewalk.  And people are walking by; as they do.  The ONLY person who stops is this blind dude I have mused about before due to his non-effectual guide dog, Buddy,  who doesn’t listen to the blind dude and like tries to lead him into traffic: “Buddy! Buddy! C’mon, Buddy! Oh for fuck’s sake Buddy!”.  So I run across the street to help.  She slipped, I guess, but it was weird cause she yelled like a dying cat when she did it (ergo my rushing over to help), but then she just got up and walked off.  *squint*

3)  So then I get to John and King and cross the street and at Mercer I seriously walk past 1947.  Well, a woman dressed in full late 40s garb.  The hat, the pin curls, the trench, the low thick beige heels, the red lipstick. 


And, of course, the whole time I’m wearing 3 inch heels—running across streets and after trams and away from the ghost of Ingrid Bergman. It was, to be frank, a weird journey to my travail this morning.


Vuelto de México. Revolución un busto. February 27, 2007

Filed under: excursions — duotangoflies @ 1:28 pm

Ola!  So on Saturday me and my brood returned from the sunny beaches of Playa Del Carmen.  Such good times we had!  Much better than Cuba, with its incessant vomiting, torrential downpours and bribing for a room clean. 

Because I like lists (by the by) I will be arranging the trips highlights in…list form! *high five* 

 I will also intersperse some graphics, also known as pictures.

 1)  I arrived rather late on Saturday night.  My arrival at our resort was delayed by some c*ckmonkey drunkards with no manners.  On Sunday morning, I was bright eyed and ready for a new day.  And what did I see?  This little fella:


Because I like to name things myself and not honour their orginal, proper, or “mayan” names, I decided to call this a Jambon, which I think is relatively self-explanatory.  Jambons have the following interesting characteristics and personality traits: they are bigger than a hamster and smaller than my mum’s cat (which isnt saying much); when they sit, their rumps sort of round out and when the sun shines on it, the rump glistens – very pleasing to the eye; they are tricksy, and can often be seen wearing little black masks and carrying bags with a “$” on them; they don’t wear diapers and have been known to go into pyramid formation when properly enticed.  We love us some Jambons.

For your reference:



 2)  In Mexico, people speak “Spanish”.  Apparently, this means that they need to say “hasta la vista, baby” alot.  Now I get it – it means goodbye in “their” language – but seriously, just to save on the fromage factor couldnt they say… “adios”?  or “adieu, adieu to yeu and yeu and yeu”?  This was noted to be especially prevelant with tour guides who would then promptly ask for a tip.

3)  No trip is completed without a pessimist.  Everyday we would get our “doom and gloom report” via Wendy


 The scene would run as follows:

8 am, Riu Playacar Resort and Sanatarium, one cloud in sky – cloud is white and actually smiling and giggling in an innocent fashion.

Enter Wendy

Wendy:  Damn this weather.  The report shows this cloud hanging around for the next week.  Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…Bah!  Just not our luck!

Cloud runs away because it is sad.

Wendy:  Hey look, it’s clearing up; but it probably won’t last. I’m expecting hail in an hour.

Julie promptly gets a beer.

End scene. (In all honesty, of course, we love Wendy because of her weather reports, not in spite of them, and I certainly needed an excuse for another beer)

4) Most days we’d camp out at our favourite spot by the pool.  There’s a wheelchair ramp which was a source of endless amusement to Amelia.


Now us older folk weren’t quite so amused by the ramp (which is probably a good thing when you think about it).  Instead, we were amused with people watching.  Two people in particular really stood out for us:  Shlongo the Yoga Man, and Swizzle Teets.  Now – no really calm down – these two were a SIGHT.  I’ll start with Shlongo.  Shlongo is an older gentleman, I’d say roughly 70, heavily tanned and sporting a fantastic black, white and red striped budgie smuggler. I’m not a fan of speedos (except for you, daniel craig, rawr) at the best of times, so when Shlongo is in his lounger and he feels the unjustifiable and relentless need to raise BOTH his legs OVER his head, I was aghast.  I mean good for him and all, but there were children around!  Swizzle Teets, though she has an interesting name, is largely more disappointing.  Basically the lesson learned is as follows:  You may be 32, but that DOESN’T mean that you have a great rack. So put the sagbags away. It was harsh, but it needed to be said.

5) The Animación Team.  I swear to the sweet lord jebus and the camel by which he rode. These people are inately evil.  They actually had a game they called Revolution.  “Hey there chica, hey lady, you want to play Revolution?” “No.”  “Awww c’mon lady, it’s fun!” “No, you pest, leave me.”  Animación man prances away to find another victim.  Oh wait a second!  Did I mention that the Animación guy is carrying a rifle?  Oops!

At one point the Animación men were seen doing what I would call “inapporpriate” things – throwing scantilly clad underage girls in the pool, dry humping sixty year old ladies, and so on.  When I pointed this out to Jeff, he suggested that perhaps they would go to Jailo.  I, in turn, suggested that it was maybe Consolado.  And so was born our only Falsi-mexi. Thank YOU Animación team!

6)  On Wednesday we decided to go on an excursion to Xel-ha and Tulum. 

Tulum is an old Mayan city and it was very interesting.   

Our guide, Armando (said with a very rolly polly “r”) told us lots of interesting “facts”.  Fun fact number one – The Mayan people are born with a spot at the base of their spine called the Mongolian Spot.  Now I just looked this up.  And it’s at least sort of real.  So I’m a bit disturbed.  Okay, fun fact number two – Some dude named Adams came over to the Yucatan and noticed that all these Mayans were chewing something that made their teeth nice and white.  And Adams said – what is this fantastic stuff?  And the Mayans said it’s called tziktli – which isnt related to tzatziki, but rather sounds like chih – klits! HEYA!  *bam* Thank you, Mayans, for gum.

7)  Second part of our day-trip was to Xel-ha, which is this really cool natural aquarium.  Basically this underground river hits the ocean and it’s all mixy with the saline and is GTs all around.  So we all went for a snorkle.  And by all, I mean Alicia, Jeff, dad and myself.

Well, I havent really snorkeled for a dog’s year and I’m not the best, per se, with…well…animals that can swim better than me – which is, to be honest, every sea-faring animal, so things got a bit kooky pretty quickly.

Firstly, one of my fins fell off almost immediately, so I made loud noises while I tried to rescue it.  Rescued and onwards.  Jeff and Alicia had gone ahead, and dad was relatively close.  Dum-dee-dum, let’s see what I can see.  Oh look!  A four foot barracuda! Neat!  Yeah not so much.  Anyone who knows me and the comedy of errors that is my existence will not be suprised to learn that I somehow managed to jump (from mid-water) onto my father’s back, all the while yelping and making a general ass out of myself.  A sight to behold I am sure.  In the end I decided I like to snorkle in dinosaur free waters.

 So as you can see, Mexico was splendid.  Welcome home to me!