the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Law NonForcement Officer” February 18, 2011

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 1:17 pm

NonForcement Officer (n.) – Individual nominally employed for the safeguarding of a place of business – usually a retail outlet – with minimal obvious training or interest in said purpose of employment.  Predominantly this person is tasked with identifying and preventing shop-lifting at such locations as youth clothing stores or the parliamentary convenience store.  Common identifiers include: blank stare, standard-issue navy blue or canary yellow “SECURITY” jacket, oversized beating-flashlight (brought from home) and black chunky boots or shoes.


“Wow, that group of rowdy teens is going to cause real trouble at the 24-h supermarket.”

“Not to worry, they have a 350-lb law nonforcement officer on duty next to the wall of gum, toy and novelty tattoo dispensers… he’ll keep the peace or die not trying.”

It should be noted that there are indeed a great deal of excellent private security firms in Toronto and for that matter, world-wide.  But I would generally say that I am making fun of those other, unprofessional loser guys, not you, in case you were feeling offended.


Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Hikey McLeaverson” February 19, 2009

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 9:04 am

Hikey McLeaverson. HAHYK-ee mick-LEEV-er-suhn (v.) The act of going out of or away from a location; generally related to the weekday afternoon act of departing from one’s place of employment.


Example: See below.


Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Fooferra” April 28, 2008

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 7:50 am

Fooferra. foo-FER-ah (n.) A situation engulfed in chaos. A state of comedic uncertainty and confusion.

Example: “When Jimmy stated to the EMS attendant that the epipen was in fact filled with Kool Aid crystals, a minor fooferra resulted until Jimmy admitted that, in fact, he wasn’t allergic to bees at all.”

This edition of Falsi-Lexi was brought to you by Jeffxa, Roaming Reporter and defender of  determinism masquerading as randomness.


Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Tealitist” April 8, 2008

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 8:13 am

Tealitist (n.) – A person who believes in rule by an elite group of tea producers, and enjoys a sense of entitlement whilst drinking said tea.

Example: “We have crates of Red Rose per our Mr. Coffee coffee supplier here, so I have deemed it less than stellar. I only tea drink tea procured from a wood paneled store owned & operated by Indian expats with 1 million varieties in very small glass jars.”


As seen above, tealitists in their natural habitat. Note the signs of wealth (feather boas), and obvious superiority (balloons).



Falsi-Lexi of the Day: “Aweirdsome” December 5, 2007

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 2:09 pm

Aweirdsome (adj.) – Involving or suggesting the fantastic and bizarre while also inspiring awe.

Example: “Culottes and cable knits aside, it’s simply aweirdsome how the background model is hinged like that on the foreground model’s ass.”


Big ups to Torontoist and Toronto Life for the ad.  Big ups especially to Simpsons for once existing and, when you did exist, rocking so hard.

Even bigger ups to my mustachioed colleague for contributing this falsi-lexi to the ‘Tang.


Falsi-Lexi of the Day – “Scantyride” October 29, 2007

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 10:08 am

Scantyride (v.) – to be borne along on or in a vehicle or other kind of conveyance only in meager amounts.

Example: “What with the fare hikes, I won’t buy a metropass this month.  Either way, I only scantyride the rocket, so what’s the point?”



Falsi-Lexi of the Day – “Forkability” October 8, 2007

Filed under: falsilexi — duotangoflies @ 4:51 pm

Forkability (n.) – the state or quality of being fork friendly.  Generally pertaining to foodstuffs, though at times relevant in the realms of dry-leaf piles and sea sponges.

Example:  “This soup is undeniably tasty.  Unfortunately, with my limited cutlery options, and the broth’s obvious low forkability rating, my enjoyment is decreasing by the minute.”