the duotang of lies

funny, in a way that even you can appreciate, ass.

HEADLINE: TWITTER WANTS ME TO EMBRACE MY INNER FATSO February 28, 2011

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 10:09 am

I am pretty sure that Twitter hates me or else has some kind of bizarre brain-scan thing happening.  It wants to me to follow Taco Bell’s twitter feed which is kind of interesting since Taco Bell has yet to properly ‘feed’ anyone, ever.

I will give Taco Bell credit, the Super Delicious Ingredient Force is pretty awesome.  It’s no Mars-Mattel Chocobot Hour, but it’s close. I am further aware that by putting this much effort into discussing Taco Bell, the terrorists have won.  Alas!

In unrelated news, I loved the Oscars… I don’t care what all you hate-mongers out there think, Kirk Douglas was both lucid* and hilarious**. Catch the glamour-fever!

*in-fucking-sane
**frightening

Big ups to Taco Bell and Twitter for the photographery.

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HEADLINE: REST OF WORLD DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE NFL, OTHER SPORTSMEN CONTINUE TO EXIST February 22, 2011

Filed under: aminal of the day,Guest Postie,items of note — duotangoflies @ 3:58 pm

Responds NFL Commissioner Ralph Goodale: “What the… since when? Get me Dark Overlord Palin on the speaking telegraph!”

It’s that time of er… fouryear… again. That’s right, time for the ICC Cricket World Cup. This time it’s coming from the host nation(s) of India – Bangladesh – Sri Lanka (heretofore known as InBaSri Heavy Manufacturing Concern for short long). The key element of this triumvirate of crickiehosts is that they have massive mascot problems. Behold!

And yet!

Alas!

The good peoples of the InBaSri Heavy Manufacturing Concern can host sixteen nations over the course of like, two months of sporting contest, but they cannot figure out how to keep colours uniform, nor how to get oversized foam tusks onto an oversized foam elephant head. Another obvious concern is that the Mascot’s name – thanks to the official website for this, incidentally – is “Stumpy”. I’ll let that sink in for just a moment.

Yeah, too easy. Among Stumpy’s non-limb-related key characteristics is “Learning to master the art of concentration”. Amazing. I really need to get a job associated with over-marketed things where money is no object.

Other crazy neat stuff about cricket can be located here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cricket_terms

The key element of the 2011 world cup is of course that Canada is involved and as usual (in non-ice-based sports) we are due to get our clocks cleaned, much like in 2007, 2003 and so forth. In fact, we nearly set a record in our first match with Sri Lanka by losing by one of the most lopsided scores ever. Reach for the stars.

Unbeknownst to you, probably, is that Canada holds a rather distinguished cricketing distinction, that being one of the two nations to have contested the first ever international cricket match, in 1844, v. USA Heavy Manufacturing Concern. Though we were never mighty, nor have we therefore fallen, I am sure some kind of lamentational quote might be appropriate. No? Ok then.

Enjoy the cricket! Go on you wacky fellows!

(big ups to BBC, Yahoo and Seattleist for the photos)

 

Investigative Report Guest Post: HUMANITY DOOM-WATCH UPDATE January 28, 2009

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 10:06 am

— “Take this!” shouts vengeful God while pumping fist —

By Roaming Reporter Jeffxa, Defender of Safety First.

About one year ago, almost to the day, it was deemed by me – trusty and full of hope as I was – that Humanity was not doomed, as a nice lady saved my briefcase and associated wallet-based contents from disaster by a) picking them up, b) notifying me of her find and then c) providing all the goods back to me with no reward taken beyond a hearty thank-you and thumbs-up.

https://duotangoflies.wordpress.com/2008/01/25/investigative-report-guest-post-humanity-doomed/

Well.  Turns out that she just got the worst post-Christmas gift ever.  A Toronto Police Services cruiser… parked, sort of, in her living room. 

carhouse

Also, it turns out, the police officer managed to avoid the samaritan, but killed her goldfish.  Lousy cop cars.  What they should have used are the amazing cop super-horses which can overtake Audis.  That is, of course, assuming that the fish-o-take-out-o was not the actual objective.

doomedfish

Regardless, the moral of the story is, if you do somebody a nice favour, better build some kind of huge safety wall around your house, because once the MAN hears of your nice deed, he’s going to even the score… with prejudice.

*big ups to The Toronto Star and Wikipedia for the photos.

 

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: TORONTO’S POLICE CLAIM LORDSHIP OVER QUEEN STREET April 24, 2008

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 12:11 pm

— In other news: Audis are driven by total losers —

Coming home from dinner last night, I witnessed what had to be the single-greatest thing in the history of the universe: an Audi A6 pulled over on Queen St. in front of Trinity Bellwoods, waiting patiently for his ticket.  The ticket was of course, being written up by one of Toronto’s finest*, who of course was sitting on his trusty police horse.

HORSE.

A guy in an A6 allowed himself to be pulled over by a policeman on a horse.  How does that work and how could you ever explain that to your friends? That is absolutely awesome and clearly the whole SuperHorse program in play down at City Hall is paying dividends.  Go team.  Frankly, I feel safer.

* I also assign this title to: Toronto EMS, Toronto Firefighters, and DQ Blizzard servers. Note: big ups to Toronto Police Services for the photo.

 

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST: THE WORLD IS FULL OF RETARDS April 18, 2008

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 7:55 am

Mugabe Confounds Onlookers:”Down with the British! Down with Jeffxa and his GuestiePosties”

People.  If you have ever wondered if there was something wrong with the world, well, you’re officially right.  Despite my extensive training* and Objectivist leanings, I have come to despise the Dow Jones and all those who invest there (i.e. everyone).

 

From the news I was perusing this morning – http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7354266.stm – here are some facts:
– Citigroup just announced a loss of $5,110,000,000.00 (+/-)
– Investors responded by… buying their stock and sending it up: “Citigroup shares rose 6% to $25.46 in pre-market trading before the official Wall Street open”

 

Allow me to assure everyone, if I managed to bungle a project to the tune of the entire annual economic output of the Republic of Guinea, I would probably NOT be given a raise of 6%.  In other news, Guinea’s main exports include Bauxite… and corn… which indians refer to as “maize”.  Another famous indian was Crazy Horse.  In conclusion, Guinea is a nation of contrasts**.

 

* note: I know that stocks are valued looking forward, so don’t be that smug jackass who tries to make that point
** bigups: BBC and Wikipedia

 

Snappy Responses to Mildly Dull-Witted Statements – Part One February 11, 2008

Filed under: Guest Postie,items of note — duotangoflies @ 3:03 pm

Mildly Dull-Witted Statement: 

“The good thing about my street is that it’s a quiet little side street, but it’s real easy to find on mapquest.”

Snappy Responses:

“Much better than those tricky moving streets that are just impossible to nail down!”

“I’m still trying to figure out how a) quiet and b) ease of finding are normally not associated.  my last place at the centre of a labyrinth was super quiet, except for the sound of spartan heroes battling my pet minotaur.”

“Ohhh… see, the mythical labyrinths are the worst for trying to find on mapquest. I’m pretty sure Davie Bowie set some kind of enchantment on mapquest. ”

if-only-this-is-what-i-looked-like-2.jpg

*SNAP*

 

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT GUEST POST FOLLOW-UP: FOOTBALL CLUB OWNERSHIP! February 2, 2008

Filed under: Guest Postie — duotangoflies @ 1:10 pm

Peeps.  My wife is hungover and sleeping in, so I have time to brew up a rare and unusual WEEKEND post.  Huzzah!

A while back, I extolled the virtues of MyFootballClub, which was – at the time – an embryonic idea to actually go out and buy a football club in England and basically run the thing.  Well, the Club has been bought – a 75% share for now – and things are flying.  Indeed, Ebbsfleet United are challenging for promotion to the Football League proper and are deep in the local cup competition. 

ebbsfleet_logo.jpg

So, in case you were worried that this was a great big scam, it’s not.  Well, the club shop may be; my shirt has yet to arrive that I ordered in November, but that’s neither here nor there.  As one of roughly 27,000 owners, I have a 0.003% share (for now, this will go down over time *alas*) but, more importantly, I have a voice in how the club is run, what guys play, what we should spend our cashmoney on, etc.  Anyone in Toronto thinking that MLSE is a piece of crap and is killing pro sports for the *joe punchclock fan* like me should totally join up.  Not convinced?  How about some quasi-communist clip-artwork themed just so?

leafs_suck.jpg 

 istherenobetterway.jpg

Check out all sorts of goodies:

Main page: http://www.myfootballclub.co.uk
Ebbsfleet United: http://www.eufc.co.uk
Podcast: http://podme.libsyn.com/rss/My-Football-Club
BBC report on the approval of the sale: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/g/gravesend_and_northfleet/7190175.stm

Anyhow, I think this is awesome and must stress that it’s for reals and for seriousnesses.  It’s not a game, it’s real-life and it’s totally awesome.  I guarantee* that you’ll love it and will also renew your love for sport and ergo your will to live.  Capital!

trustme.jpg

* not a guarantee in any sense of the word